Promises to Keep
San Francisco is a helluva town, filled with every sort of fantastic weirdo imaginable. Because we walk to the beat of our own drummer (who’s in his own band, on a different planet), we have certain specific wants and needs. Nowhere is that more evident than in our New Year’s resolutions. Some of us might want to help the elderly more, while others of us are using that as a front to scope out some awesome rent-controlled apartments. To find out the secret and not-so-secret desires of our citizens, from the Mission to the Marina, check out this list of resolutions for all us fabulous San Francisco freaks. Let’s do this, 2012.
Fully transition to dust baths, resolve to tell at least one person a day what an eye-opening experience Burning Man was, start collecting own fingernail clippings for an art installation at the Playa.
Only eat animals killed by Mark Zuckerberg, brew kombucha in bathtub, start a raw milk pop-up in a parklet, finally get invite to Michael Pollan’s secret blog “Pollan-ate This!”
Bernal Heights Lesbian
Open the first Mommy & Mommy & Me franchise on Cortland, get matching outfits for pit bull and twins, finally move to Oakland.
Get meeting with Jack Dorsey, succeed at polyphasic sleep, program an app so girls can talk to their cats, get meeting with Seth Godin, get to Coffee Bar early to snag a precious electrical outlet, get meeting with MC Hammer, try to read complete works of Neal Stephenson and David Foster Wallace (again).
Keep trying to convince people veganism isn't just a white people thing, hug a tiger, meet and convert a nice vegetarian girl, open own vegan general store, move to Portland, be parodied on Portlandia, protest hair feathers.
Learn how to knit, learn how to sew, learn how to whittle, stop blacking out at Benders, write guest posts for Mission Mission, stop making out with people who aren't my gender preference, get hair feathers.
Crazy Dog Lady
Allocate more dog-outfit-planning time, get mandatory spay/neuter legislation passed for humans, get city funding for dog-only park, BYODog birthday party at Fort Funston, create own line of hats for dogs.
Noe Valley Stroller Mom
Get legal residency for second nanny, petition for Noe Valley to become own city (seek advice from Montclair or Piedmont), get zoned for commercial space to finally open Babies & Beads in front living room, get enough “me time,” petition Whole Foods to carry more kinds of organic baby food (there’s never enough!), teach class on the benefits of eating own placenta (working title, “Postpartum Problems Explained”), start own yoga studio, research surrogate for third child.
Look into pleather alternatives for vegetarian partner, drum up community support to buy and reopen the Eagle, plan at least 15 charity-driven beer busts, win at least one Leather Daddy–specific contest.
Meet and marry a nice Patrick Bateman, learn how to properly apply cleavage bronze, try authentic Mission-style burrito, buy more madras shorts, get hair feathers.
Knit wardrobe from own chest
hair, stay on medication, star in