Actually, I haven't always been a vegan and my interest in the subject may or may not have initially been motivated by a cute vegan dude. Even though that boyfriend is long gone, the veganism stuck and here I am, a vegan girl in an omni world.
After several shit-tastic dates with clueless meat mouths, I knew I needed to go vegan or go home. Alone. Forever.
When I realized I needed more than my dog and tears for company, I decided to reach out and devise the Perfect Dating Plan to land any vegan boy. My Tao of Vegan Dating in SF is pretty much foolproof, as I do not suffer fools. Unless the boy is cute and vegan, a girl can only be so picky. Which leads to my last bit of business, I'm not single! Sorry, boys!
The first step that begins the running leap into a vegan's crotch starts with a first date. If you live each day like it's your rocking last (strongly advised), you probably assume you need to take a vegan to Millennium to get the panties dropping. You'd be wrong. That's the kind of crazy-ass first date move that ends in a restraining order or a marriage to an equally crazy-crazy. Either way, you don't want that. You need to ease in with some trips to off-the-beaten-path hidden gems with good veg options.
An excellent first date locale is Old Jerusalem. Yes, a trip to the old country could land you face down in some vegan poon. Entering at Old Jerusalem is like stepping into a Middle Eastern-themed restaurant at Disneyland, only not gross. It's tiny, so the chance of it being crowded with obnoxious, loud children (total boner killer) is slim. Any vegan worth his or her grain (ha!) is sure to be romanced when the stuffed falafel and baba ganoush hit the table. If you want to extra impress, order the Mossabaha, a chunky, spicy hummus that's topped with olive oil and served with house-made bread. I'm getting hot just thinking about it. If you can't get a second date after this, there is probably something seriously wrong with you that needs to be examined in therapy. It's surely not the vegan's fault, we're perfect.
So, you've made it to a second date and you're ready to kick it up a notch. Let's do Southern Indian. If you're gonna go SoIn in SF, you only really have two choices, the fancier Dosa, and the more down and dirty, but all vegetarian Udupi Palace. Where do you go? Easy: Udupi. Not only will you win points for bringing your vegan flower to an all-veg joint, you're gonna save a buck or two. Everyone loves to date someone who is good with money. Seriously, just ask your dad. What Udupi lacks in ambience, it makes up for in straight delicious fare served in large portions for rock-bottom prices. One of you should order a dosa, and the other a uttapam, and then go halfsies. This indicates that you are a sharer, which is a good quality in a lover. (I will never type "lover" again.) After dinner, stroll down Valencia and make fun of all who pass, just for extra romance. When you get to your date’s place, make out a little on the stoop and then cool your heels, slut. The whole not-buying-the-cow-when-you-can-get-the-milk-for-free metaphor works for vegans too.
For your third (read: sex) date, hit up Club Waziema. This Ethiopian diner and fully stocked bar is actually where my current boyfriend and I had our first date, and so you might think I jumped the gun, but the fruit is not so fresh anymore. Ladies, am I right? Anyway, if you desire the same outcome (and you do, because doing it is the best!), you might want to cozy up over a giant all-you-can-eat veggie combo and a few Ethiopian beers and talk about your past relationships. Actually, don't listen to any of the actual dating advice I give, I'm terrible at dating. I'm just good at eating. Club Waziema has a delightful bar/wait staff and the wallpaper ... I don't know what to say about the wallpaper exactly other than DO NOT COME HERE IF YOU ARE ON ACID. Resisting its velvety touch would be impossible. Also, do not go on your third date on acid, freak, you're about to get laid. Put some Foreigner on the jukebox and awkwardly slow dance by the pool table for about ten minutes. If you can get this person to slow dance with you by a pool table to Foreigner, you can definitely get them into bed. Let's do this. And by us, I mean you, and by this, I mean sex. Young hearts, run free.
Now that you're in a full-fledged relationship with The Vegan One, you probably want to kick it up a notch for special events like birthdays, anniversaries, and anal sex. Can I say that on network TV? Either way, you know what I'm talking about. Sometimes you owe and when you gotta pay, you might as well head to Saha. Saha is pretty much the greatest restaurant in all of San Francisco. It's billed as an Arabic Fusion restaurant and I'm not sure what that means, beyond freaking tasty. Almost everything on the menu can be veganized, including desserts! Vegans know that even when dining at a veg friendly restaurant, we're normally in for no desserts. Or worse, sorbet. Barf. Saha serves up innovative cuisine such as vegan knaffe, which is basically shredded phyllo, vegan cream cheese, and mushrooms baked in a ramekin and served with some magical, spicy sauce. If that doesn't get the blood pumping, you are dead inside. The dining room at Saha is built for romance – everything is billowy and red, just like inside a vagina. Hot. The waiters are on their game and the chef is a delightfully saucy gentleman with whom you will want to fall into bed. The best part? Saha is housed inside Hotel Carlton on Sutter Street which means, HEY OH! Call the dog sitter (you're dating a vegan and that number is probably on speed dial) because you're staying out tonight! If you want to follow dinner with a few drinks at the Fly bar next door, I won't be mad atchu.
The Break-up. We all knew it was coming – good things don't last forever. You've tasted the magic, rode the rainbow, and come to the end of the line. It's time to kiss your vegan paramour goodbye and you don't want to be a total douche and do it over email or text, right? RIGHT!
That means you're doing the damn thing with a touch of class, even if you are a total rat bastard for breaking a vegan's heart. Anyway, the place to do it is in line at Ike's Place. Waiting in line for your perfect vegan sandwich, you can let them know that you deserve better and are dumping their lame ass. There might be tears but there are usually tears anyway when waiting in a line for two hours. You'll blend.
The line at Ike's is much like a relationship itself, you enter elated at the thought of a fat, hot sandwich and as time marches on, you find the withholding less and less charming.
At the end of the line, you finally get that sandwich but you don't even want it anymore. Well, I guess it's not exactly like a relationship because you still hella want that sandwich. Make sure to order yourself a vegan Backstabber for poetic justice and don't forget to pay, you owe them. You don't need love when you have this sandwich, trust me. The sandwich is love. Fuck you, I'm dating the sandwich. That's what the person who you dumped will be saying.
Now that you're ready to jump back into the dating pool, I advise you to repeat from the top: Once you go vegan, you never go back.
Hop on your fixies and ride tandem to Millennium, Old Jerusalem, Dosa, Udupi Palace, Club Waziema, Saha, and Ike's Place. Everyday's a pleasure cruise when you're with a vegan. Unless you go to a steak house and then it's more like a horror show, but whatevs.