Freak City

Remember that episode of [insert your favorite ’80s TV show here] in which the characters wake up and find themselves in a freaky alternate reality? (Yeah, we know, that was such an original idea!) For today’s Halloween story, we were inspired by this sitcom trend and came up with a list of only-in-San-Francisco scenarios that we’d be scared to find ourselves in. Hopefully, like the characters in the show, we’ll wake up and find that we were just dreaming all along. There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home...

Here’s the freakiest Friday we can imagine.

Your uncles are Joey and Jesse; your best friend is Kimmy Gibbler. And there are 1,000 tourists taking photos of your house.

Cafe Gratitude cult overthrows City Hall, takes over San Francisco, and forces their language upon us all.
Laser cats are back, and they're mad as hell!

Tartine is run by aliens who plot to take over the city after they’ve brainwashed us with their delicious baked goods. (Where’s Rowdy Roddy Piper when we need him?)

Evening news expose reveals the food at Greens is made out of people! Luckily, they are free range and only ate organic.
New food trend: SF taquerias start to specialize in "New York-style Mission-style burritos."

The orgasmic moaner in yoga class is your new co-worker.
Oldies Night at the Knockout is taken over by cranky seniors who don't approve of dancing.
You get caught with your pants down when "the big one" hits.