When I next found myself up late and looking for action, I decided to try something a little more on the official side. I had heard that the Otis Lounge, just off of Union Square often stayed open an extra hour or two. In fact, I had been there once before after closing time with a friend of a friend who seemed to know the owner. We didn't really need more booze at that point, but I remember a round of Fernet shots materializing at one point. Granted, I was traveling as the lone gentleman in a group of attractive women, and I assumed the bartender was just being friendly.

Of course, you know what they say about assumptions. It was only 2:15 a.m. and there were at least a half dozen people hanging out in the tiny bar. When we walked in the bartender turned to me and my two male friends and stated coldly, "We're closed. You'll have to leave." Fortunately, I had prepared myself for this possibility with a small bottle of whiskey and the address of Cairo Nights. 

How to describe Cairo Nights? Technically it's a hookah bar, serving up flavored tobacco and overpriced soda among faux Middle Eastern decor. And yet, it's so much more. Tucked into an unassuming storefront on the edge of the Tenderloin, it's open late and seems to attract a crowd with a mysterious amount of energy. The guys working there are boisterous and friendly. The music is loud and the TVs play nothing but soccer games and European infomercials. 

More to the point, Cairo Nights is cool and weird and open until at least 3 a.m. Smoking is allowed – at least from a hookah – and it's dark enough that you can get away with a little BYOB as long as you are discreet. How the city hasn't found a way to screw this up yet is beyond me.

North Beach turns into a ghost town after last call, but The Lusty Lady was lit up like the Vegas strip. The people who work there are exceptionally friendly and the clientele seem to be giddy with pleasure. And why not? In a city consumed with sexuality, the Lusty seems to be mostly concerned with having a good time. I handed a wad of dollar bills to my friends and sent them toward a wall of unmarked doors, where about a dozen other people were popping in and out like some X-rated version of Laugh-In. Before following suit I decided to wander the premises.

The Lusty Lady basically offers three variations on the porn theme. Behind some of the doors are TV screens showing a selection of hard core porn movies, presumably for people who don't have Internet access. There is also something called Private Pleasures, which allows one-on-one interaction with one of a rotating cast of girls. The strange part about this is that the girl has a microphone, which she uses to entice customers as they walk past her viewing booth. I actually thought she was a mannequin, so I almost jumped out of my skin when she popped up out of her artfully arranged S&M tableau and bellowed at me to come inside the pleasure booth at once! 

The main draw at the Lusty, of course, is the "girlquarium." You step into one of the private booths and put anything from a quarter to a $20 bill into the machine. A blind goes up revealing two or three totally naked girls doing a lazy sort of stripper yoga in a small, mirrored room. You can talk to them if you want or ask them to perform a particular trick or move. If you cram enough people into one of the booths or do something weird, they will even talk about you among themselves. The whole thing is strange and funny and gross and surprisingly casual. I can't say that I'll be a regular there, but if you have some out-of-town guests and you're looking to blow their minds at 4 a.m., The Lusty Lady would be a good place to start.

And so it is hard to say whether or not I achieved my goal. I never found the secret bars, and the only booze I drank after 2 a.m. was store bought. I did, however, see some weird things and talk to some strange people. I stayed out all night in San Francisco and never once had to resort to entertaining myself by eating a burrito. Best of all I have stories to tell, images of naked breasts etched in my mind, and a reason to keep wandering the streets of San Francisco late into the night.