What Bang With Friends Taught Me

Jan 31, 2013 at 1pm


Bang With Friends is a new Facebook app that, at its best, allows you to anonymously find friends who are down to have sex, and at its worst, is a penis-only Pinterest. If you and another person using BWF both click that you're interested in each other, a magical sex fairy sends you two an email and you ride off into the sunset. Just kidding, you probably have sex in the back of a van. Everybody needs hobbies. I get that. 

Most of my problems with this app stem from its redundancy due to the existence of Craigslist and regular old Facebook creeping. I also don't like to mix my anonymous sex with people I know even a little bit. I learned that the hard way when I saw my high school homecoming date on Chatroulette. Despite all its issues, BWF did teach me a little about myself – and why I am not the ideal user. As an added bonus, it taught me that I prefer my illustrations of balls to look a little more like Peter Griffin's chin. 

1. I don't want to think about banging my family.

You can see people you're related to in your potential bang buddies. BWF says this bug is fixed – but, as if you needed any more reason to suspect the creators, three men who keep their identities secret, are trolls – it's not. There I was, imagining sex with people I don't like that much, when my dad's face popped up. There are some things you just can't unsee. Plus, why haven't the bugs gone away? Maybe BWF has crabs. Just saying. 

2. I have a lot of gay Facebook friends.

Yeah. I had a hard time imagining sex with a good chunk of my man friends because they are only down to bang dudes. Why do they all have to be so good looking?

3. I feel guilty most of the time.

And it doesn't get me all hot and bothered like in some edgy rom com. BWF doesn't exclude any of your male Facebook friends. It doesn't matter if they're married or in a relationship or your minister. This might explain why BWF put my boyfriend's face as the first Facebook friend in my list of possible bangs. Fantasy boner kill AND bad girlfriend guilt. Damn you, Bang with Friends!

4. I can always find a way to feel rejected.

The app's creators claim they made it as a way to minimize the rejection people feel normally by creating a situation where only interested people will get their hopes up. Unfortunately, the app's email paper trail blows that. I think people are fucked up enough to use the emails as blackmail and/ or trophies against me if I have a little too much box wine and decide to get reckless on Facebook. I can also imagine scenarios of take-backs by people who "just wanted to see what you'd say" or "didn't know how it worked." These are the same people who are like, "I texted you. It must not have gone through." In the end, having to deal with one of those situations seems worse than being forever alone.

5. I finally get why girlfriends are so into taking couples photos.

While scrolling through my male Facebook friends, I was astonished by how many of them included their girlfriend in their picture. I've always talked low level shit about couple photos on basic principle that I don't like to see forced displays of affection, but now I can sort of see their advantage. I won't click on a picture of any dude whose girlfriend could clearly kick my ass (so all of them).

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