A Four Year Old Reviews Mission Chinese Food (with his face)

Apr 25, 2013 at 5am

Mission Chinese Food is one of the most renowned and reviewed restaurants in San Francisco. And, of course, with its distinctive, semi-authentic recreations amped up to 11 with chili oil, it's often reviewed by the most professional of food critics with their refined palates. But why get your information from a professional, when you can go straight to the purest source: the post-bite facial expressions of a four-year-old. What this kind of review lacks in worldly eloquence it makes up for in TRUTH. I took the young Desmond Applegren to dine with me and captured his first reactions to five dishes recommended by the waiter. The results were very boring and definitely not cute at all. (Kidding! They were the best!)

DISH ONE: Thrice Cooked Bacon

Shanghainese rice cakes, bitter melon, tofu skin, chili oil

This boy cuts to the chase and doesn’t need adjectives mudding up his critique. And really, it DID taste like bacon, what more do you need to know?


DISH TWO Salt Cod Fried Rice

Mackerel confit, Chinese sausage, lettuce, egg.

This was by far Desmond's favorite dish. He kept reaching for the plate even as new dishes arrived, and politely asked if he could have it for dinner “all the time.”


DISH THREE Tea-Smoked Eel

Fresh rice noodle, Chinese celery, salted plum hoisin sauce, braised pork, cognac soy

The fanciest looking of all the choices, and the hardest to eat. While Desmond didn’t not like it, he only took one bike and didn’t go back for more. 


DISH FOUR Egg Noodle

Soft hen egg, ginger, scallion

And man, did he ever! Furiously poking at the yoke was much more fun that, you know, chewing and swallowing, although he did enjoy doing that as well. 


DISH FIVE Tiki Pork Belly

Soy caramel, mandarin orange, pickled pineapple, shaved coconut, macadamia nuts

And man, did he ever! Furiously poking at the yoke was much more fun that, you know, chewing and swallowing, although he did enjoy doing that as well. 

Clearly, Desmond’d poker face has yet to develop. If you can’t tell from the photos, he DID NOT LIKE this dish; so much so that he resorted to frantically wiping off his tongue with a napkin.

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