OK, people born in the ’90s, let’s get our shit together. I’m starting to think that Gen Y is short for Gen Why-the-fuck-are-we-so-bad-at-living? My boss asked me to write this because she’s tired of young people treating work time in the office like it’s just something to do while you wait to become Twitter famous – and rightfully so.
I offer you the following test as a way of figuring out if you’re shitting in the employment pool. With the job market as competitive as your mom says it is, it’s hard to believe how many people are jeopardizing their positions with general buffoonery ’cause they saw it on Workaholics. Consider these 10 questions to be a little refresher course on common sense and a reminder to do your best impression of a competent adult (at least while you’re at work).
1. Is it OK to shorten more than one word in a sentence?
a. Yeah, that’s “totes,” “profesh” and “approp,” right?
d. Never ever
2. Which of the following is appropriate to have delivered to the office?
a. Monthly underwear subscription
b. Lunch for the office
d. Eight-speed rabbit vibrator
3. Which of the following should never be worn to work?
a. Pants that allow me to safely estimate the circumference of your balls
b. Any shirt high enough to expose your dream-catcher belly-button piercing
c. Cutouts that show everyone your side boob, bra back and low self-esteem
d. All of the above
4. Which of the following things are OK to Tweet from the company Twitter?
a. Relevant news
b. Invites to your Furry party
c. Photos of an ex naked
d. Tweetssss where you holdddd down keysss too longggg
5. It is appropriate to share what you did over the weekend when it includes…
a. A munch that went better than you expected
b. Doing mushrooms in Big Sur
c. Feeding the homeless
d. Vaginal rejuvenation surgery
6. Which of the following should you include on your resume?
a. How much you can bench, bro
b. Your wet T-shirt championship title
c. Your correct address
d. Email addresses like oMgHiR3me6969@hotmail.com
7. Which of your Facebook photos should you hide from your employer?
a. All of them EXCEPT when your boobs look exceptionally good
b. All of them EXCEPT the ones in which you’re hitting a bong of truly impressive size
c. All of them EXCEPT your awkward engagement photos because you think they’re normal
d. Literally all of them in which you aren’t shaking President Obama’s hand
8. To prep your computer to be SFW, you should…
a. Hide whatever porn you were watching on Caltrain
b. Never open any emails with images from your friends, ever
c. Put safe search on, ya n00b
d. All of the above
9. With whom in your office can you be Facebook friends?
a. People you knew before you were hired
b. Your HR person
c. Your boss
d. Your boss’s mistress
10. What are you not allowed to have at your desk?
c. A photo of your kids
d. A photo of someone else’s kids