Like Bad CGI Porn: The Real World Ep. 4

Jan 30 at 1pm

This week’s episode of the Real World SF was necessary post-traumatic filler, both to lessen the blow of Jay’s tragedy, and to prep the audience for *OMG* the exes moving in!

First let’s catch up on everyone’s relations before ex drama tears this house apart (yeah, we're watchin’ those sneak peeks). Arielle and her former girl Ashley start us off: sounds like Ari is noncommittal and Ashley is a bit nervous and clingy, although Ash has apparently found someone new to fool around with, and Ari does not like this one bit.

Uhh, Jenny and Cory are basically on shore leave right now, getting in those last few rebound pumps before dealing with their long-term unstable exes, which is good because Ari is trying to get everybody laid in the house by taking them to an erotic dinner. This experience probably could've been super hot for the average viewer if it didn’t feel awkward as bad CGI porn. Being fed during a lap dance is great, but how much did this cost compared to a shrimp buffet at a strip club? Wastin’ your money, honey. Although Ari's plan totally worked – everybody is smashed like the world’s ending. And Jamie finally gets it on with Tom, which, like, girl I’ve had to wait three weeks for sex too, I’m surprised you hung in there.

After smash night, Ari, wearing an official referee uniform, officially declares that she and Ash are not official. In the meantime, Cory and Jenny have themselves a no-strings-attached friends-with-benefits open “thing,” which I’m sure they’ll work out maturely with the incoming exes. JUST KIDDING, HERE COMES A FIREHOSE OF DRAMA.

Meanwhile, Jay is just not getting any nowhere. Dude is a classy flirt, doesn’t take girls home. Still, the guy gets put on blast by his girlfriend Jenna for showing up on social media, mackin’. He promises her fidelity and then flips shit the next night, trying to avoid the cameras so he’s not caught hooking up in the clubs. Like, I don’t want to be harsh, man, but after what happened last week, I wouldn’t really expect any privacy from the crew. Dude is sweating cannonballs in here, looking nervous all over the place.

Producer tells the crew they’re going to … Lake Shasta? I guess that makes sense, all attractive people inherently know how to pilot a wave runner. While they’re gone, their old housemate Ashley comes back to retrieve her stuff, wearing some sweet booty shorts. In this case, I love to see her go AND to watch her leave. Then came my favorite part of any show: time -lapse furniture building!! I could watch house remodeling shows all damn day: no drama, no nudity, lots and lots of hammers. Paradise.

Anyway, speaking of (trouble in) paradise, let’s meet the new roommates, who are all introduced in the last five minutes of the episode. We’ve got Cory’s ex Lauren, who calls him from random numbers, immediately comes off as pissy, and wears those glasses that ALL bitchy girls wear. Next up is Jenny’s ex Brian, and I can’t figure out if he’s way dumber or smarter than he looks. Still, dude bears more than a passing resemblance to Cory. I’m kind of hoping that instead of fighting, those two will brosb4hoes this one and move in together in an apartment on Nob Hill. Fingers crossed, although it’s more likely that Brian will just sleep with Lauren. Seems simpler.

Tom’s ex Hailey is super cute. I totally get it, she's the sweet girl back home. I immediately dig her and Tom; their love seemed pretty innocent. Can't wait for Jamie to claw at Hailey. 

Last but not least, Jenna is about to spend a full episode crying over Jay; she already looks like she should be wearing a sticker that says “FRAGILE.”

Four new girls, one new guy. Good thing they ended the episode right after the cast met the new roommates. It would’ve been awkward to keep filming after they all straight shit their pants in fear. Here’s to next week!

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