Get out your Dramamine, because this week you’ll get seasick from the ocean of emotion arriving with the exes on the Real World. What little stability our friends have found in San Francisco over the past few weeks has been dashed, and everybody’s panties are now crammed into one big inextricable bunch, so let’s get started!
The biggest drama queen in the house is quickly established to be Jenny’s ex, Brian, who I can only describe as a sleepy alien wearing the skin of a personal trainer he killed. Although he believes his long pauses and meandering way with words come off as poignant, it really highlights how detached, shallow, and rooted he is in his ego. The dude says “wicky-wicky-wild,” sports a Jheri curl, and awkwardly shows off how high he can jump while everybody is busy not giving a shit.
Although, since the second biggest thing these folks are afraid of is commitment (the first is loneliness), it’s no surprise that within a day of the exes arrival, Jenny switches from Cory to Brian, right after giving Brian a behind-the-back-double-bird and deciding that Cory showering with his ex is a deal breaker (which like, yeah, it is).
Why was Cory showering with his ex, Lauren, and in the process, ridiculing her boobs? Hell if I know. Lauren strikes me as a stage five clinger, which makes sense: two dorky lookin’ kids grew up together, one became a personal trainer and model, the other ... I dunno, does she work in a bookstore with poor lighting? By the end of the episode (with scenes shot in Dolores Park) Cory starts to regret having inadvertently chosen his ex over Jenny.
Meanwhile, Brian weeps for humanity. #TeamCory
On the other side of the house, Tom is doing a really dirty thing with his ex, Hailey, and his sex, Jamie. He is performing what I like to call "interpretative innocence," a fun little exercise where instead of accepting the responsibility of a self-created no-win situation, making a firm decision, and living with the consequences, you pretend that some fantasy outcome exists (usually a threesome), and then sit back and hope it happens. Tom doesn’t seem the type for a threesome, so I’m going to bet that he’s gonna end up losing both girls. Can’t keep denying your feelings for your ex, bro; Jamie’s mouth gets awfully small every time you bring up that relationship, which is a pretty bad sign.
Jay and Jenna seem fine for now, although Jay’s barking like a dog on a leash, tryin’ to get at all of these thirsty San Francisco bitches, ifyaknowwhatimsayin. Seems like potential for some nice, cheat-y drama coming from some down to earth folks. Finally, Arielle and Ashley are everybody’s “lesbian godmothers” now. No drama there, just hot make out seshes and advice, although the mid-season preview promises at least a few relationship-y fights, just to balance the scales.
The Real World is skipping a week, and so am I. We’ll be back 2/19, where I’ll answer questions like “Will Cory and Brian fight?” “Will Jenny’s boobs finally pop out?” and “Will you be my Valentine?” Stay tuned.