We skipped a week and I forgot everybody’s names! But here we have yet another episode of The Real World teeming with insecurity, jealousy, and a healthy argument for raising the age of legal adulthood.
We pick up at Dolores Park, where Thomas is potentially allergic to dating Jamie, and although he blames it on relationship "labels," I think we all know that it comes down to Hailey, who smiles entirely too much for being treated like a backseat bitch. Thomas admits that he’s freaked out by the new roommates and wants them all gone. The guy's so white and afraid of change he might as well be the GOP. (I just shoehorned a joke about politics into an article about The Real World – do I have to fill out any paperwork for a Pulitzer, or do they just hand them out?)
Jamie, hurt and betrayed, pulls off the quintessential post-breakup move and flaunts her stuff (and we all know I mean boobs) trying to get Thomas jealous at the club. He doesn’t really notice and touches Hailey on the leg, which sets Jamie off on a trail of tears all the way back home. Obviously Thomas is mature in his reaction, interrupting Jamie’s phone call back home to correct her assessment of him as a “manchild.” Little boy mad about labels? Grow up, buddy.
On the other side of the house, Jenny and Brian are boring the shit out of me. They both used up their supply of repartee six minutes into the show, so now they’ve fallen back onto grandiose, nonsensical brick wall statements like “Boys are like puppies, you have to say no.” Brian asks drunk Jenny to stop acting like a fool, and points out (very correctly) that she’s kind of a slut, which (very correctly) gets her furious. Her advice is sexist: “He needs to get his ass to a cooking class and find him a Betty Crocker.” Whatever, I’m tired of Jenny looking like a 4p.m. stripper when she's doing her solo talking heads, and then getting dressed for the Royal Wedding when she's doing them with Brian.
In the time it took you to read that last paragraph, Thomas asked Jamie to get back together. Although they call it their “last chance” and have hopes for “great success,” I think a better term might be "delayed catastrophe." I finally understand why Thomas never has sex – most ten year old boys, or those of equivalent emotional maturity, don’t get laid.
Lauren’s mom rightly warns her against being pressured into sex by Cory, as if she hasn’t run out multiple sets of batteries on her personal massager in the weeks leading up to the show. Well, the next scene has the happy couple eating pizza in the shower. Lauren complains about stomach pains and “feeling fat,” and well…
Lauren’s pregnant. BOOM! Finally an end to the endless foreshadowing!
Now, I don’t know a lot about babies, but by my calculations the exes have been in the house for maybe a week? Is that enough time to get pregnant and have it show up as positive on a pregnancy test? Is Lauren going to go home? Can I make Cory’s guttural groan upon hearing the news my new ringtone?
Find out next week, when the house deals with the baby that a generic brand pregnancy test says is living in Lauren’s butt (or wherever, I took AP History instead of Sex Ed – weird that they'd let me do that right?)