Last night the Real World: Ex-plosion aired an episode so starkly educational that the producers managed to cram two PSAs into it. The show was what I can only assume to have been an after-school special for alcoholic babies. 

But first – let’s catch up on Lauren and the “seed” that we all assumed Cory planted. Except yeah, I was totally right, she’s not going to show a positive pregnancy test two days after sex, which means that not only did Cory get sloppy seconds, but her hookups were back to back. At first, Cory seems hurt and blames Lauren for being irresponsible, which, fair enough – until we learn that Cory has apparently cheated on Lauren, and worse, gotten that girl pregnant! (And then, just to add to the drama, we learn that girl faked Cory out and wasn't pregnant, oof!) I’m not sure where he got that high horse, but he might want to hop off of it, it's looking shaky. And as stressful as this situation must be for Lauren, her victim mentality is getting hard to bear. She somehow finds a way to blame Cory for the breakdown in their relationship, but fails to realize that flirting with someone is far less destructive to a romantic bond than getting pregnant by another man the week before you go on TV. “It’s not fair! It’s not fair!” Yeah, I agree. Also, watching Cory get dating advice from Tom is like seeing dogs giving each other programming tips.

Jenny and Brian go on their “not so solid” five-year-anniversary date, where Jenny finds a hot-dog purse, and Brian decides to go to college because he’s very passionate and a “deep thinker.” Yes, absolutely Brian should go to college – but absolutely not for those reasons. Also, they finally have sex, which would suggest a heightened level of commitment, at least till the end of the episode. (Kidding. Duh)

Ari is bothered by internet rumors about her being transgender, which comes on top of her ex Ashley complaining that she dresses too boyish. Ash, I get that you like girls, but Ari is female – you gotta like that bad bitch for who she is, not how she dresses. Just sayin’. Although, I’m pretty sure I’d be in the same hot water with my girlfriend if I started dressing more effeminately ... If I had a girlfriend. Oh god, I’m already crying.

Ari takes the rumors and criticism seriously though, and invites a bunch of her gay and transgender buddies over to talk about the realities of identity struggles. Tom, Cory, and Jay are equal parts freaked out and impressed by Kingston, her female-to-male transgender friend. “We’re ignorant!” Cory yells into the camera. Yup. But King knocks it out of the park, telling Ari that she’ll always be different by virtue of being herself, leading Brian to say his first intelligible words: “Being trans is something that you’re born with, and you just complete it on your own.” Ari, breaking down, says that being labeled as transgender scared her into becoming a “regular girl.” Aww Ari, have you SEEN the regular girls around you? I’m sorry honey, you’ll never be that loud blond bimbo. Everybody hugs.

To cap off the night, Ari takes the girls out to lesbian bar, where they shake it so hard it almost falls off. In the meantime, the fellas have a guys night out, which quickly turns into the guiltiest grinding I’ve ever seen. Brian asks this girl for her number because she’s a chemical engineer, which means he can call her up with any questions about the periodic table. Jay looks like a guilty dog being twerked on. Seriously, all of these guys are in sooooo much trouble, especially my boy Brian.

Tune in next week to see who gets in trouble, who threatens to move out, and whether or not Brian knows how to spell “apologize.”