This week’s episode of the Real World: Ex-Plosion was so unbelievably boring that I actually fell asleep while the cast was wine tasting. My significantly more interesting dreams followed them into the next 20 years of missteps, mistakes, and missing person reports. To make up for a shitty penultimate (I love that word) episode, here are my predictions for where these kids will end up.
Ari & Ashley
These girls are in love, no doubt. After waffling through their twenties, Ari will break through as an emerging director of psychological thrillers at Sundance Film Festival with something that’s a cross between The Human Centipede, and the 1980s Popeye starring Robin Williams and Shelley Duval. Ashley will suffer through Ari’s endless quarter-life crises until they get their shit together and marry on top of a mountain.
Cory & Lauren
Ahahaha. I keep forgetting that this is a couple. Cory will make a stupid amount of money over the next ten years with his looks, muscles, and charisma, ending up as a permanent bachelor with a backyard that overlooks the Hollywood Hills. He will never actually make it in the film industry, though. I was going to make a joke that involved him working at Equinox as a personal trainer, but I looked him up and that’s exactly his current job. Lauren, on the other hand, is going to have a kid within the next three years (even if it’s not the one she was pregnant with when she left the show), give up on her looks, and focus on being an overprotective single helicopter mom. This is probably for the best.
Jay & Jenna
Following multiple rounds of cheating, Jenna is going to drop a marriage ultimatum on Jay in the hopes of repairing their relationship. A few more rounds of cheating later, she’ll stop taking her birth control and have a kid for the same reasons as the marriage. Then, quelle surprise, Jay will walk in on Jenna finally cheating on him! They will get divorced for a year before getting back together and having another kid. Oh, and Jay’s gonna give her herpes eventually, for sure. Sorry guys, my track record on these kinds of things is pretty good. Called the whole Brangelina thing while watching the trailer for Mr. & Mrs. Smith.
Jenny & Brian
Brian is going to hound Jenny to the point that she flat out murders him. She’ll get off on self-defense, but the verdict will leave plenty of grey area. Sorry dude, but that crazy lady makes a lot of poorly thought out, emotional, and destructive decisions. If, by some miracle, this doesn’t happen, Brian will go on to marry a woman who thinks he’s a beautiful genius, and probably gives pretty good blowjays. Jenny will end up one of those really old waitresses who just bums you out with stories of her stint on The Real World: Ex-plosion 30 years ago, or if she’s really lucky, she’ll pull a sugar daddy who’s into thick blondes. I’m perfectly alright with any of those scenarios.
Tom & Jamie
I genuinely don’t know how long it will take Jamie to realize that she can do much better than boring-ass cutie Tom, but her level of commitment tells me that'll never happen. They’ll get married and move back to Texas where Jamie will be accepted by his family but ostracized by the community for her tattoos. It’s fine, though, she’ll end up as a cool kindergarden teacher and Tom will take over the family business because – what the hell else is he going to do?
Dang, I’m down to marry Hailey. Hit me up yo, I’ve got a ’96 Subaru Legacy Outback, so you know I’m the real deal.
Rehab for cocaine and alcohol, followed by relapse, followed by 25 to life. What a depressing note to end on.
On the plus side, the season finale will definitely include a bare knuckle brawl between Cory and Brian that’s been hyped since before the first episode aired, so don’t miss next week’s last episode!