The 9 People You Will Meet on Muni
By Emily Bedard
1. The Free RiderSlips in the back door, smug that they didn’t pay the $2 fare … until a cop hops on and nails their ass with $125 ticket.
2. The Woozy Drunk
Typically travels solo or in packs, wearing anything from street rags to J Brand. You know them from their stumbles, the way they pull the line when it isn’t their stop, and, of course, their vomit.
3. The Seat Hog
Their window seat may be empty or full of bags, but either way, it isn’t for you. Despite how crowded the bus gets, this person will never move for your ass. (And would you want to sit next to their mountain of crap anyway?)
4. The Big Snacker
You’ve seen them having their four course meal (fries, Coke, burger, gum) on the bus. Their McDonald’s wrapper slightly improves the sanitary condition of the seats, but we still don't want to see it.
5. The Time Waster
Their crinkly dollar bills never work, their Clipper Cards is always challenged by lack of funds, they don’t know which buses to take where, and their fixie bikes require 20 minutes to clip onto the front of the bus. No matter the situation, they need to hurry the fuck up.
6. The Costumer
Every day is a holiday in San Francisco, especially on the bus. It doesn’t matter if it’s Hunky Jesus, Bay to Breakers, or St. Patrick’s Day, we will find any excuse to dress up here. See someone wearing a crazy hat, thigh highs, and a long, pink tail? We call that Tuesday on Muni.
7. The Know-It-All
This rider’s knowledge is convenient when you're lost, but more often that not, you’re just a target for their impatience. These folks yell, "BACK DOOR!" or “STEP DOWN!” when there isn’t even a stop.
8. The Performance Talker
This person loves hearing themselves talk, especially before an audience. If they aren’t speaking directly at you, they’re talking to someone else who doesn’t give a shit, or they’re broadcasting their stupid day to the bus with a loud phone conversation. Buddy – that’s what Facebook is for!
9. The Ally
By far our favorite passengers because they are amicable, sane, and unafraid to connect with you over the fact that there are, in fact, some psychos on your bus. With a reassuring shrug, this sacred Muni ally reminds you that, for better or for worse, surviving public transportation in San Francisco is really a group effort.