By Sarah Han
I hate the wind. And it doesn't even get THAT bad in San Francisco, just gusty enough to ruin an otherwise perfect day. SF wind can feel like you're stuck in one of those wind tunnel money machines, except instead of cash swirling around you, it's dead leaves, pigeon feathers, and poo-smeared newspapers (but fortunately, a lot less plastic bags).
So what is it that we just can't even when it's windy outside?
Wear our hair down. Ever wonder why so many men and women wear top knots in San Francisco? It's the damn wind.
Bother wearing makeup. We can't even wear lipgloss or we'll find our lips coated with sweater fuzzies, hair, dirt, and other debris as if we just applied a thick layer of Elmer's Glue instead of gloss. Those of you who are worried about being seen outside without makeup – just wear your hair down; no one will see your face anyway.
Wear a flowy dress or skirt. Take it from Sarah Jessica Parker – wind is a real bitch. Even a gentle breeze can catch us unaware in our underwear (hopefully we're wearing our good undies when it happens). I've seen a whole unbelted dress waft up with a draft. If it's windy, leggings are a must to go sans culottes.
Ride a bike. I'd much rather walk than feel like I'm riding my bike in an infinity pool. Of course, walking in the wind (that stretch of McAllister at Fillmore; that stretch of Van Ness near Market, I'm looking at you) can totally blow, too.
Walk by the UN Plaza fountain without getting pink-eye inducing water sprayed on us. That huge concrete thing is full of human piss and other filth. I walk by it in a very wide arc, always holding my breath for fear of inhaling urine whenever I pass; and I stay double the fuck away when it's windy. Oh yeah, and if you're the guy who pees in that fountain, take it from this dude and don't try to drain the lizard outside on a drafty day either.
Use an umbrella when it's raining. I'm always a little sad by the number of twisted, inverted umbrella carcasses you see on sidewalks and poking out of trashcans in the aftermath of a windy storm. Invest in a full body waterproof coat with a hood that stays up, cuz no umbrella will keep us dry in slanted rain anyway.
Have a cell phone conversation outdoors. Most of us text these days, but sometimes we have to talk on the phone. And of course, it's going to be windy that day our doctor calls us back with our test results and we'll have to decide whether it's better to attempt a private conversation our whole office can hear or shout our medical issues over the wind outside.
Try to picnic in Alamo Square. We'd love to recreate the opening credits of Full House – picnicking with our family in front of those gorgeous Painted Ladies, that sweet view of San Francisco's skyline, and a cheesy red convertible randomly parked in a pedestrian walkway of the park – but it's just too drafty and our potato salad is blowing away everywhere you look.
Use a lighter. We don't even try matches in the wind. A gusty day in SF is probably the best day to quit smoking (cigarettes, or what have you). At least until it's calm outside, or we have a vaporizer.
Image via Thinkstock