Places to Get Kinky with Yourself When You Don't Live Alone

May 16 at 11am

By Amber Schadewald

It's National Masturbation Month, a celebration of shameless self-love for all persons and their erogenous parts. Observing such a feel-good holiday is hands-down a great idea, but the tight quarters of San Francisco living can stifle solitaire sex. Roommate-saturated apartments with thin walls and close neighbors make some shy to stroke.

I single-handedly salute those who are unfazed by limited privacy but hey, this month I want to rub in peace. It’s time to look outside the sheets for some superior wax’n and milk’n opportunities: nooks and overlooks prime for a game or two of pocket pool.

I know this sounds contradictory: I’m complaining about the lack of solitude yet I’ll finger the ham beyond my bedroom? Clarifications: First, I don’t want to be caught spread eagle by a friend/family member/anyone who knows me. Well, I don’t want to be caught period – unless that’s the game we’re playing. Different day. Different article.

Second, I’m not condoning public masturbation, at least not in front of the public. No BART wanking. No clam clappin at the top of Alamo Square. That’s rude and offensive and most definitely NOT legal. But if you’re creative, really sneaky, and very hidden with no chance of anyone seeing you? That seems fair game.

So here’s to getting your cookies in the month of May and being able to moan about it.

 

THE SHOWER

Duh. The most obvious of choices. Always a winner. Even better if you have a handheld shower head.

 

THE BATH

You have a bathtub? Is it clean? You lucky little perv.

 

THE ROOF 

Climb that fire escape and climax with a view. Take a nice snooze post-wank and tan those privates.

 

A PHOTOBOOTH* 

Pull that curtain and pull on your junk. You can even leave with a photograph to remember the time you spent with yourself.

 

A POSH BATHROOM

Feeling fancy? Get the word on premium restrooms in the city and diddle the skittle behind doors that lock. You might have to stand in line and perform in a timely manner, but the cleanup is easy.

 

THE MASTURBATE-A-THON

A party made for community muff buffing and wire whipping. The Masturbate-a-Thon is hosted by The Center For Sex & Culture on May 31st.

 

THE MOVIES*

Not the regular, sterile theaters, but spots that show porn. You’re just supposed to “watch” the show, sure, so keep your DIY activities on the DL to avoid the Peewee Herman punishment. Skip the popcorn and make the bald man cry while in the company of other exposed peens (and some pusses) at seedy spots like Tea Room Theater. You cum at a price: $12 a visit.

 

THE BEACH

Remember, ocean view, not public view. If someone tattles on you, expect to get arrested. That being said, soak the whisker biscuit in a sexy hiding spot like the coves around Mile Rock Beach and Fort Funston (watch for loose hounds) or choke your eel at Marshall Beach (watch for those wishing to join in the fun).

 

THE CAVE

The Sutro Baths are swarming with tourists at all times but if you stroll to the end of the cave and perhaps (safely) scale a rock and get tucked into the cliff, you would have a spectacular and splashy, Little Mermaid experience.

 

*Requires a hanky for respectful, discrete cleanup.

Photo via: Thinkstock

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