By Jules Suzdaltsev
Watching dating reality shows like The Bachelorette reminds me of some dystopian future assimilation program where the female population has dwindled down to 1/25th of the male population, and the last men on earth have to compete to secure their seed with the “chosen woman.” Except my version has a lot more blood sport ju-jitsu combat, and fewer guys who officially call themselves Pantsapreneurs.
This season's bachelorette, Andi Dorfman, scares me a bit. It seems like years of grueling attorney work have drained the soul from her eyes, so she makes up for it by lightly laughing in lieu of breathing. Andi dropped out of season 18 of The Bachelor and the only thing I took away from the first episode of her season on The Bachelorette was “I can’t wait to meet a husband” and “Are they gonna be disappointed it’s me?” Honey, you could literally be a chicken, these guys are just excited to be on TV, and also a quarter of them are no-question gay. After a grueling elimination round last week, including excusing a guy who rhymed his name with “anal,” we’re down to 13 contestants vying to impress this woman enough to get “TV show engaged” (valid in eight states and Puerto Rico).
This week Andi's going on a bunch of dates, the first with Eric Hill, who tragically died while paragliding just a few weeks after filming for The Bachelorette finished. This season is dedicated to Eric and honestly it’s heartbreaking listening to this guy talk. He was massively accomplished, had big dreams, and was ready to settle down, but was cut short doing what he loved. At the end of the beach-to-snow mountain date, and after hearing a story about him almost dying in Syria, Andi gives Eric a date rose, which I think means she would’ve slept with him in real life.
In what I can only assume is a nervous reaction to being on a syndicated dating show, Craig gets extremely drunk and asks Andi, “What’s the worst thing about your parents?” before jumping into a pool fully clothed and getting naked and pushing another contestant into a stove.
But the meat of this episode is Craig. While the other contestants are desperate to win Andi’s heart, Craig is talking about what a “stud” and “full package” Josh is after they male striptease for charity. Then, in what I can only assume is a nervous reaction to being on a syndicated dating show, he gets extremely drunk and asks Andi, “What’s the worst thing about your parents?” before jumping into a pool fully clothed and getting naked and pushing another contestant into a stove. The next day he sings her an off-key apology song, except instead of ending with “Please forgive me?” (which would’ve rhymed) he says “Please let me stay.” Craig is obviously sent home, devoid of a beard, destined to be a lonely accountant.
With most of the less attractive, boring guys gone, Andi makes out with baseball player Josh after an awkward conversation and super handsome farmer Chris after an amazing date. I watched the season preview and all I really want to know is: they check everyone for herpes right? This show is like a breeding ground for orally transmitted STDs.
Photo from The Bachelorette