Should My Engaged Crush Really Be with Me?

May 28 at 9am

Dear Jessica,

I met someone a few years ago and had a feeling about her like I've never had about anyone else before. Since then I've had a series of strange synchronicities with her, as well as dreams and psychic feelings about our future together. Even my close friends, who are very intuitive, have had dreams about the two of us being together. The trouble is, this person has been involved with someone else since I first met her, and now they are engaged. I've tried to forget about her and move on, but whenever I begin to, some weird synchronicity happens again. It's as if the universe will not let me forget about her.

I'm now involved with someone else, and she's great. I want to be present in my current relationship and wonder how I can do this when I feel haunted by this other person? I feel guilty even thinking about her. I want to know why I've had strange synchronicities with the other person for years now. What does it mean? Have I read into it too much? Is love at first sight real? Is this connection significant or just a fantasy/escape? I would like some relief from it so I can live my life and be present but wonder the meaning of the commonalities we've had. Help! I'm very confused. 

– Lost & Confused

Dear LC,

I’m sorry that your heart strings have been pulled in such a complicated way, and I’ll do my best to help you out here – although I’m not sure you’re gonna like what I have to say.

I believe in love at first sight, but I think it can only be verified in hindsight. The trouble with allowing yourself to believe that you love a person that you don’t actually know is that you’re in love with your fantasy of them. It may turn out that your fantasy is accurate, but the only way to find that out is to break the spell and get to know her, in the real world. When we project shit onto people, even if it is beautiful, hopeful, and sparkly shit, it’s not healthy. It’s highly unlikely that your vision for your future together is a shared one and that you’re seeing her as she truly is.

Why haven’t you tried to get to know her over the past few years, before she got engaged? It seems like the most simple approach to take – have a crush, and then pursue some sort of relationship with her to see if she is in fact a heart throb or an intensely emo pants throb. What I don’t know from your question is if you’ve attempted to get to know her. If you have and she wasn’t into connecting with you, you’ve got to respect that and emotionally untangle yourself from your fantasies of her. Pronto.

The trouble with allowing yourself to believe that you love a person that you don’t actually know is that you’re in love with your fantasy of them. When we project shit onto people, even if it is beautiful, hopeful, and sparkly shit, it’s not healthy. 

Signs are not always what we think they are! I work as a psychic, but I believe that intuition and serendipity only help us get to a certain point; it’s not meant to replace human interaction, LC. Asking questions and listening to answers is key in relating. I encourage you to quit trying to understand the why behind your feelings, and instead deal with your reality. The object of your affections is getting married, so it’s appropriate to assume she is happy in her love life. You’ve had years to try to break up her relationship and get your happily-ever-after with her if that’s what you wanted, and you didn’t do it; after she got engaged is certainly not the time to try.

There’s no magic bullet for getting over heartbreak, LC, but I’m afraid that’s exactly what you must earnestly try to do. Take some alone time to nurse your heart, but do let her go. Try to focus on the woman that you do know and have chosen to be with, even as you traverse the loss of a different dream. If you can’t do that, do her a favor and let her go too.

xo,

Jessica

The Mission’s resident advisor gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with everything from figuring out their love lives to communicating with their pets. So we asked Jessica if she’d come on board to do a weekly advice column, Truth Talk, for The Bold Italic. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, you can post your question anonymously here or email her at truthtalkwithjessica@gmail.com, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.

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