Boyz II Men Die (of Shame): The Bachelorette Ep. 3/4

Jun 03 at 3pm

The Bachelorette: Ep. 3-4 

By Jules Suzdaltsev

Put the kids to bed and get out your floral handkerchiefs, because this week we had a double feature of The Bachelorette that will have you weeping on your partner’s shoulder – or into a flannel shirt wrapped around a pillow (hey, we can’t all be in relationships). Before the 16 testosterone fueled contestants and marriage-desperate Andi Dorfman go on a round-the-world vacation/elimination, they’re first stopping in Santa Barbara and then Connecticut to cut a few more fellas, probably because their airline only allows group flights of up to 12. Tears are shed, philandering is confronted, the WNBA shows up, and two people actually die; so feel free to start the waterworks, right now.

First of all, Andi has given a date rose at the end of every single date she’s been on, which kind of invalidates the point of a competition, right? Even Nick gets a rose after telling Andi that he doesn’t believe in the TV show, but has a big crush on her – which is how most middle-school relationships start, but 20-something marriages? Not so much.

If you were wondering what Boyz II Men are up to these days, it’s clearly nothing – even a bar mitzvah would be a better gig than teaching a bunch of bachelors how to sing their quintessential song, “I’ll Make Love To You.” Between the cringe-inducing live performances from 11 guys who’ve never had any singing instruction (and the one who’s had way too much, opera singer Bradley), the only enjoyable part of this session was watching the R&B legends make faces and crack jokes about what a disaster these guys are.

If you were wondering what Boyz II Men are up to these days, it’s clearly nothing – even a bar mitzvah would be a better gig than teaching a bunch of bachelors how to sing their quintessential song, “I’ll Make Love To You.”

Personally, I've been waiting to see more of JJ, the San Francisco Pantsapraneur, and this episode he finally gets to go on a personal date with Andi. JJ could not be more appropriate of a contestant to represent our weird, youthful, obsessed-with-quirky-fashion city. He looks like Bill Nye the Pants Guy, and runs the surprisingly successful clothing line hem/\haus out of a SF warehouse. He also has an MBA from Stanford, so I’m actually pretty impressed by the guy – if it weren’t for the fact that I can’t stop gasping at how ridiculous his pants are every time he's shot from the waist down. Still, JJ seems super fun, if not totally awkward, and after spending the day doing a cheap version of Jackass’s “Bad Grandpa,” and saying the stupidest line so far (“Who are these old people walking around in old people clothes?”), he finally gets a kiss from Andi. Who, may I remind you, has now made out with almost half of the remaining contestants. Seriously, STI check every three weeks, please, especially because these bros ain’t loyal.

JJ’s not much an alpha, more of a nervous pretty-boy; and when he mentions to Josh that one of the sleazier contestants, Andrew, picked up a waitress’s number on one of their first outings, Josh steps in to alpha-ask Andrew what happened. Still, it is JJ who follows Andrew through the house, shaming him, and demanding an explanation. Finally, Andrew denies pretty much everything except being handed a number, and although it’s ridiculously close, the dude makes it through the rose ceremony with Andi none the wiser of his antics. I guess nobody wants to be a snitch… yet.

If you’ve watched up to here and not shed a tear, you’ve got plenty of time left. The remaining 13 guys are going to Connecticut, mostly for the benefit of Dylan, who seems to have only gotten on this show to publicly share the story of his tragic life. As we learned last episode in a heartfelt confession from Dylan to Chris (who I have the straightest man-crush on, so dreamy), Dylan’s brother and sister both died from overdoses four years apart. Although when he tells Andi this story on the train she makes a lot of pitiful sounds and concerned duckfaces, she insists that the now basically mandatory date rose is not a “pity rose.” I mean, poor Dylan, but while the other guys are busy trying to win her heart, he looks like he’s just trying to get over his painful past. Maybe trying to get married on national television isn’t the best way to deal with your grief?

Although when he tells Andi this story on the train she makes a lot of pitiful sounds and concerned duckfaces, she insists that the now basically mandatory date rose is not a “pity rose.” I mean, poor Dylan, but while the other guys are busy trying to win her heart, he looks like he’s just trying to get over his painful past. 

But the saddest moment, truly, is the elimination of Eric. Although they connected earlier in the episode, Eric makes a massive mistake by being honest about how fake the show is. He tells Andi that he loves the “real her” but the rest is just poker face acting. I mean, dude, you’re right, but you don’t just go tell the emperor he’s naked and expect him not to cry and kick you out. Then, a few weeks after his forced departure for actually being more real than any of the other guys, Eric Hill died while paragliding. They skipped the Rose Ceremony for this episode in order to focus on Eric’s time on the show and accidental death, which is mostly worth watching to see Andi backtrack on her judgmental show-priority behavior. If you were wondering who got eliminated, it was Tasos. Ron left during the previous episode when a close friend of his died, which is a reasonable reaction since he was definitely close to elimination already.

Hopefully next week will have a brighter tone, less up-close, hardcore making out with Josh (seriously, they’re cupcaking like crazy), and more of Chris’ heart-melting smile and JJ’s head bobbing. Ugh, I’m actually excited. Damn it.

Photo from The Bachelorette

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