I'm a girl-loving girl and I am having such a hard time with dating. I've tried online, going to clubs, asking friends to set me up, and nothing seems to be working. I am tired of being alone and I don't know what to do. I am friendly, caring, and love people. I think I'm pretty physically attractive. Maybe I just don't have any "game?" How do I get "game?" How do I meet girls to date me? Do you have any advice? Please help me! – Looking for Love
You don’t need "game"; you need patience! The problem with having excellent game is that it’s likely to land you nothing but players, my friend. If all you’re doing is looking to hook up, then that’s aces, but it sounds like you want something more serious than that. If you’re hoping to date women of quality then, as the maxim goes, “being yourself” is truly the best strategy. People are attracted to people who are true to themselves. It doesn’t matter what your quirks are, it only matters that you wear them with pride. The less you focus on how people perceive you (different from how they receive you), the easier it is to be honest and open, which in turn makes it easier for others to do the same with you.
I wonder if you’re so fixated on getting someone else to like you that you haven’t been looking for someone who you like. If you’re desperately trying to get someone to want to date you, then it's likely that you’re not being yourself and trying too hard.
Nothing slows down a person’s dating life more than urgency, and it sounds like you are panicking, LFL. I wonder if you’re so fixated on getting someone else to like you that you haven’t been looking for someone who you like. The difference between the two is subtle yet huge; if you’re desperately trying to get someone to want to date you, then it's likely that you’re not being yourself and trying too hard. Don’t guess at what another person likes and try to morph your self into that. It’s an unnecessarily complicated, albeit common approach (let’s admit it) to manipulate a girl into digging you, all before you know if you dig her. Figure out if you like the other person first and foremost, and you’ll already be coming from a more empowered (and attractive) place. That’ll make it easier for you to be yourself because you’ll be trying to get to know if she is a good match for you, not the other way around. This strategy will absolutely turn some girls off, but you don’t need them all to like you, just the one(s) that are a good match. Not every date or flirtation needs to end up as an LTR, so try and take it easy as you get to know the women you meet.
Now back to the mysteries of having “game.” Rushing toward people because you’re sick of being alone is like anti-game, and it doesn’t work at all. Healthy game requires some simple tools, which I will share with you now. The first is eye contact. Never underestimate the power of looking a person directly in her eyes. You can do it shyly, and as long as you communicate interest, a move has been made (you player, you!). Once a connection has been made don’t overwhelm her with texts and calls; let things happen a little slowly at first. Being too available can overwhelm your crush and be the dreaded anti-game. Make her laugh, be a good listener, and be confident, and it’s only a matter of time, LFL. Live your life with meaning; don’t look for meaning in a person that you haven’t met yet, no matter how tired you are of being alone. If you enjoy your life then at least while you’re waiting for that special person to come along you can be happy with who you are.
There’s no magic to meeting women, I’m afraid, and if there were I’d be on Oprah preaching the lady-finding gospel to all who would hear it. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things, and going to all the right places. As old fashioned and boring as it sounds, the best way to meet people is to talk to them, and if a connection is there the rest will just flow.
The Mission’s resident advisor gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with all kinds of relationship issues. So we asked Jessica if she’d come on board to do a weekly advice column, Truth Talk, for The Bold Italic. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, you can post your question anonymously here or email her at firstname.lastname@example.org, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.
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