Do you secretly wish for the fruits of your culinary labor to be described as “inedible” “rancid” “gnat’s piss”? Do you want to be constantly interrupted and ordered to jab a finger at your teammate/rival’s mistake, all the while praying that the dish you’re in the middle of cooking won’t burn? Do you yearn to be addressed as “You!” for the duration of an entire TV season?

Awesome, because Hell’s Kitchen is coming to San Francisco to scour for contestants next Monday, Aug. 4 from 11 a.m.-4 p.m. at Le Cordon Bleu College of Culinary Arts in Potrero Hill. Being a talented chef isn’t good enough to get on, because this is San Francisco and two out of three people can pickle weird vegetables and whip up risotto con tre funghi. To stand apart from the crowd, you also need an insatiable hunger for humiliation, a penchant for back-stabbing, and sleeve tattoos.

Chef Gordon Ramsay’s actual requirements, as enumerated on the 115-question casting call form, are exhausting just to read. Not only do you need to abandon your regular life for a five-week period this fall, you also need to list your pet peeves, the ages of your children, your true feelings about the irascible British chef, and the “cooking utensil you cannot live without” – as well as elaborating on why you like or dislike your current job. You also must love graphics of fireballs.

All this so you can be called a “donkey” over and over again by someone whose most constructive criticism is “Don’t send me any more shit!” and who sent the last two winners to work for him at Caesar’s Palace. Bon chance!

[H/t: SF Weekly; image via Hell's Kitchen Facebook page]