10 Things We Really Need An Airbnb For

Aug 04 at 10am

These days, Airbnb type share-what-you-have businesses are everywhere. From bedrooms, to dogsitting, to parking spaces and storefronts, thousands of people are using apps to find temporary spaces, and yet there are still some crucial niches to be filled. We humbly submit the ideas below in hopes that one day, as the techies say, “there’s an app for that.”

1. A separate location to fart in so your significant other still thinks you are an immaculate being with no body odor or unsavory sounds (This room should be remote and well ventilated, no glorified utility closets.)

2. A kitchen to cook salmon in so your roommates don’t give you dirty looks for stinking up the joint (quit hating, I’m just trying to get my omega 3 on, son.)

3. A fancy room to take potential hookups to so they assume that you are a sophisticated, mature, sex goddess rather than a 23-year-old who has no bed frame and an above bed Harry Potter poster (Accio Ikea!)

4. A space to perfect your rendition of “Let it go” in peace before karaoke. (Bonus points if this room is one you have sculpted yourself via mutant ice powers.)

5. A couch where you can watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians in without having to pretend you are only doing so ironically (Khloe has been through so much this year! She is up there with Maya Angelou in terms of inner strength. I cherish her journey.)

6. An apartment in SF you can use if you live in the East Bay: much like Don Draper’s love nest in Mad Men (But, like, old Mad Men, before he married the chick with the French mom and got all whiny.)

7. A bedroom where you can have loud, appreciative , “thank you for spending the weekend with my parents” sex without your roommate knocking on the door to borrow a bong. (Seriously, Kelly, does a scrunchie on the knob mean nothing to you, you cretin?!)

8. A house with a pool for the 3.5 days in San Francisco it is hot enough to swim (Read: above 65 degrees.)

9. Somewhere to go to so you don’t have to play the “How long can I hover” game in a dive bar bathroom, alleyway, secluded part of SF State, or similar (Air Poop and Pee, am I right guys? Guys?)

10. A safe space to contemplate the suggested eroticism of the current Airbnb logo (or as I call it “Ballgina 2014”)

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