Let's be honest: Halloween is the time of year when people get to take something innocent that they did as a child and rehash it in an adult format that involves alcohol. And what better playground for this concept than the streets of San Francisco?
Every year, like a sport, I catalog the tiny moments in pop culture smuttery that will make it into our version of a national awards show. I mean, that's also what Halloween is, right? Emulating those pop culture moments with our costumes and then handing out best-of-show trophies. It's like a wink from society that says, "Hey, that thing that happened this year, we appreciate/strongly dislike what it did to the world. We'd like to celebrate it by getting hammered with other grown adults pretending to be it."
This is my take on the Halloween costumes you are most likely to run into this year in the city. Feel free to look at this list as a place to poach an okay concept that will probably make one or two people laugh – and maybe even make those people consider putting their face on your face for being a witty Halloween-er.
If you've been living under a rock, watch this. We'll wait.
As I type, 357 million people have seen ”Gangam Style.” That's a lot of people. Considering the video’s main feature is a seemingly drunk-ish, fairly-easy-to-replicate horse ride dance move, you’re going to be seeing way too much of it come Halloween. The variations of the costume will go as follows:
- PSY, (the weird and strangely entrancing singer)
- The weird person who gets out of the Mercedes wearing a bright yellow suit
- The creepy guy in the elevator
- The baby Kim-Jong-il look-alike kid
- No, seriously: Anyone in the whole f*%king video
This look is going to be everywhere. This is the can't-we-all-just-agree-that-the-Korean-video-with-the-weird-guy-doing-the-horsey-dance-is-sort-of-great? costume. The answer? Yes, we can.
If you watched the Republican National Convention this year, you probably joked about the fact that Clint Eastwood aged three billion years overnight and that … he talked to a chair to show that Republicans were a … saner option than our current president.
It’s a no-brainer that this costume will appear everywhere because it's fairly easy. Think about it: All you have to do is look old and mumble all night. So basically, get drunk and be sorta tired. Bringing an actual chair around gives you the leeway of letting someone sit in it so you can hit on them. And if your friend is the chair? That's just funny.
Do your parents pay for your overpriced apartment in the Mission but you still complain about how overpriced San Francisco is to your friends in Dolores Park while drinking on a Sunday because you don’t have to go to work tomorrow like pretty much every one else? Just go out on Halloween dressed as yourself.
Paint your face with something that makes you look so meta and retro, dude. Or just laugh maniacally all night while throwing money at people because you have so much cash that you can do that.
Poor batshit crazy Tom Cruise. He lost yet another wife to the fact that he was batshit crazy and managed to squeeze in a midlife crisis film. The guy is a little into his cult religion, and word on the street is that he tries to sign women up to marry him in exchange for a spot on his spaceship.
I see two options for this one:
#1: Act batshit all night and carry around a sign-up sheet that says "wife" at the top. Congratulations, you're one of the most famous actors in the world.
#2: Do the same thing, but just slap on a few fake tattoos that you can buy at any gas station. You know, essentially what he did to be a “rock star” in the this-is-my-official-midlife-crisis-coming-out-party film, Rock of Ages.
Either works. They’re both really sad.
Never mind, that's not a costume. That's just old white dudes who hate poor people walking around the Financial District.
Just be an asshole to every woman you meet and tell them that you know more about them than they do. Congratulations, you're on your way to being an elected government official, which is in no way horrifying. (See: “Mitt Romney”)
Wear a Facebook hoodie, walk around looking like Ron Burgundy with milk in his beard, and continuously yell, "Going public before knowing how to make any money as a company was a bad choice." Everyone will get it.
Basically you’ll need to smell like you pooped your pants all night. When people ask if you're okay, just say, "Oh no, that's just my costume – I'm a BART escalator." Side note: You’ve gotta really be committed to this one. All in or nothing.
Everyone loves a group costume effort. And who doesn't love the idea of wearing a leotard all night (most people who shop at American Apparel or live in the Mission are doing this anyway). So dress as McKayla Maroney (this should be your friend who makes the best consistent bitch-face), Kyla Ross, Alexandra Raisman, Gabrielle Douglas, and Jordyn Wieber (this should be your friend who cries out of nowhere, all the time).
Sit in a coffee shop without a job all day.
Talk to everyone in sentences that resemble ALL CAPS ALL NIGHT if you’re the guy, and be a worthless human being if you’re the girl.
Have fun out there, everyone. Be safe. And remember, it doesn't really matter what day you wear a costume if you live here. It’s basically Halloween every day in San Francisco.