Somewhere between middle school and now, Valentine's Day went horribly wrong.
It's sad, man. Everyone loved Valentine's Day as a kid. You know why? Because EVERYONE was nice to each other that day at school. The jocks were nice to the dorks. The kid who played Dungeons & Dragons had a legitimate shot to at least talk to the hot girl. We would parade into school with bags full of candy wrapped in adorable notes for every classmate we had, telling them that we choo-choo-choose them, even if they were the mouth breather.
Then, we grew up. And, surprise, surprise: The nice thing we were taught to do as a kid became the shit we’re cynical about as an adult.
We grew up to fear Valentine’s Day if we were in a relationship, because we were destined to underwhelm someone. Not as though I ever have, though. (I'm sorry, girl who I gave mono to and then broke up with on Valentine's Day. To be fair, you cheated on me with that guy at Jewish summer camp. I'LL GET OVER IT SOMEDAY.)
We grew up to fear the holiday if we were single, because the whole day was the equivalent of wearing a T-shirt that said, "Yeah, dick. I'm still single" while holding a megaphone and crying while typing out some really depressing drunken texts.
We've been almost trained to expect the worst, and bitch about Valentine's Day the same way that the asshole who doesn't own a TV talks about how he doesn’t own a TV at parties.
The whole world has become "that guy" on Valentine's Day. And that has just got to stop.
This year the good folks over at Zaarly want to bring back that giddy middle school feeling. The feeling of, you know, just telling people that you like them (something people stopped doing on The Internet when The Internet started). And they'll do all the work for you. So, why not? Let's get all-juvenile on Valentine's Day again.
Let's get back to choo-choo-choosing the f*%k out of strangers and telling them that we love them.
Starting today, Zaarly is going to open up a Secret Valentine storefront over at its site. In advance, here's the conversation you just hypothetically had with me in your head.
You: Drew, I have no idea what the shit you're talking about. Back up. What is Zaarly?
Drew: Great question, You. Zaarly is a community marketplace where you buy amazing things and services from amazing local people. So, on Valentine's Day this year, they've got three awesome people offering three awesome handmade things that you could send to someone as a secret valentine. The best part? They'll deliver them for you, to the place your secret valentine works. You honestly have zero excuses not to be the most adorable adorable ever.
You've got three options.
For one dollar you can buy and have a delicious heart-shaped whoopie pie delivered. It's exciting, because you'll get to say the word "whoopie" out loud. Also: Everyone loves frosting and cake. What else are you going to spend a dollar on, a parking meter? That's depressing.
For five bucks you can buy and have a delicious batch of homemade honey sent along with a bag of homemade tea to someone. Because they're your honey, and I know it's cheesy but it just feels so good to be cute and cheesy sometimes, right? Five bucks is like half a cup of coffee in this town. This is, instead, adorable.
For 10 bucks you can take being San Franciscan to the next level by buying someone a badass terrarium. Look, give in: Everyone loves a terrarium. Everyone. They're like SF kryptonite.
So let's get after it. Let's make Valentine's Day fun again and embarrass some people by telling them that we're crazy about them. Let's tell our brother that we love him a lot, even if he was a dick when we were younger (PROJECTING AGAIN). Let's tell a coworker that we're ready to be co-sleepingtogether-ers.
Let's admit that we love the movie Love Actually and get out there and act saccharine.
It's Valentine's Day, guys.
Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love.
DO IT YOURSELF
Head over to Zaarly.com and start spending your $1/$5/$10 dollar bills (ya'll) on some Secret Valentines. A couple notes: 1) Secret Valentines can only be delivered within San Francisco. 2) Limit of 5 purchases per customer so more people can spread the love.
When you're done with that, you should probably:
- Buy a bow tie from Ian + Yuko
- Get some bro-meals from Myriah
- Have your knives sharpened by Ford
… all things that Drew Hoolhorst is in no way personally invested in. At all. Nor does he love them all very much and wish them a Happy Valentine's Day.
What's a sponsored story?