Hey San Francisco, how are you? No wait, let me guess: tired as F and itchy as H? Me too!

The past five days have been a nightmare. At least I think so – a nightmare is that thing that happens when you're asleep, right? I WOULDN'T KNOW because I've spent the last five nights wide awake, sweaty, and slapping myself in a sad effort to limit my bites during this INSANE MOSQUITO SITUATION.

Back on Monday, I thought maybe a couple mosquitoes got tiny Groupons for my body's butt cheek special, but it seems like everyone in SF has been going through the same hell all week. It's bad. And I know other cities, cities that "cool off" to 91 degrees at night and where people encounter real bugs like centipedes and giant wasps will mock us for complaining about a slightly humid 70 and some mosquitos, but San Francisco is just not prepared for this kind of week. Generally, we're equipped for a temperate, bug-free heaven.

Getting into bed, you have two options:

Fight: Cover your entire body in blankets, snorkeling air out of a small hole in an attempt to create a barrier. 

Give Up: Lay uncovered enough to drift off, knowing that you're offering up everything but your torso as a family-style meal.

Hearing that "eeeeee" come at your face for the 11th time will probably inspire an unfiltered rage to hunt them. Good luck! Your ability to kill a mosquito is directly dependent on their proximity to you:

In the dark: 0.5 inches from your ear.

Lights on: On a wall, exactly four inches out of reach.

Out of bed, "weapon" in hand: Completely disappeared, leaving you just a strung-out, haggard nut job holding a shoe and staring furiously at every fuzz and crack on the ceiling.

You'll find that mosquitoes collectively disappear about 20 minutes before your alarm goes off, regardless of what time that may be. You may now begin your day with a fun game of "find the new bites," which, despite your sweaty efforts, are guaranteed to be in the three absolute worst areas:

I know as San Franciscans we're always saying how nice a hot night would be, but we're idealistic idiots, and this is not what we meant.