San Francisco is in the middle of many crises: always-rising rents, trash-filled streets and a shortage of affordable housing, to name a few. But never mind those issues—we apparently have a far more pressing city conundrum to solve first: selecting the most chic street-side shitters.
Yep, you heard that right. This week, San Francisco Public Works completed its “testing phase” of the planned overhaul of the city’s on-street public toilets. Because, of course, there must be many phases as we journey through this important decision.
Now all that’s left is for City Hall to decide which of the three designs they wish to erect on a stretch of sidewalk near you. The goal: to build small works of industrial art that just happen to double as toilets. According to a Public Works press release, they’re “embarking on a once-in-a-generation project.”
Come June, the City’s Civic Design Review and Architectural Review Committee will hold a joint hearing to consider and, ultimately, greenlight the proposed design; the chosen design company would then have until October of this year to build and install their examples.
So let’s take a look at our proposed options, shall we?
MIN Design
“The structures’ exterior envelope is welcoming with a clean, crisp and fun appeal not often associated with publicly used amenities, but very much representative of the city’s influence on technology. The shell can also become activated by advertisements, transforming the forms into colorful and interactive pieces.”
In case you need to be reminded that you’re squatting in the Bay Area—the land of technological innovation and cramped living space—SmithGroupJJR is here to help. They’ve presented something of a glorified billboard with accessible plumbing—part bathroom, part unavoidable marketing campaign. But at least it’s “crisp” and “fun”!
SmithGroupJJR
“The new kiosks and ‘toileTREEs’ line contrastingly [sic] different neighborhoods, from downtown’s concrete jungle to the multiple urban parks, enhancing each by reflecting the character of their surroundings. Adaptations of the structures are achieved through the materiality’s [sic] reflectivity and resilient surface.”
Well, ladies and gents, here we have created shiny cocoons that look all too much like scaled-up versions of the viral “suicide machine.” But perhaps the design language was meant to pontificate a different transitional metaphor: when you emerge from said like-shaped natural, silken encasing, freshly peed and/or pooped, you’ll have evolved to become a lighter, happier version of yourself.
Nevertheless, while you’re mulling over what the odd shapping is meant to evoke, you can relish in the images of the street trash and foot traffic the “toileTREE” reflects back toward you.
Branch Creative
“[Our design features] a distinct textured metal surface and curved façade that indicate their purpose, whether for way-finding or use of the facilities.…On both the single and double toilets, the curved ends create a sense of place for tourists and attendants while discouraging loitering.”
Of the trio, this example looks to be the most ambitious. Above all, though, it appears to embody the company’s take on what the iPhone Plus will look like in, say, 10 years: an obscenely large, slab-sided metallic rectangle that no mere mortal possessing only two human hands could operate successfully.
Also, how the hell do “curved edges” exactly mitigate loitering? I want to see peer-reviewed studies. And when was the last time a “curved façade” conjured up the reaction of “Ohhh, that’s what this thing is — a bathroom”?
Sigh. Here’s to hoping our city chooses what pop we can squat on soon and moves on to more important matters. I’ll wipe to that. After thoroughly shitting on the idea, that is.
Hey! The Bold Italic recently launched a podcast, This Is Your Life in Silicon Valley. Check out the full season or listen to the episode featuring Broke-Ass Stuart, SF mayoral candidate and writer. More coming soon, so stay tuned!
