I moved to the city six years ago, excited to experiment with a large dating pool for the first time in my life. I hoped to date around for a while before finding someone amazing who wanted to settle down with me.
In my time here, I have gone on dates with some great people, but I still spend most nights alone, working late or eating Chinese takeout on the coffee table in my studio apartment, lounging sans pants on the couch, which sits close enough to the bed that I can easily roll from one to the other (which is something I do and do often).
Still, dating here has been nothing if not a learning experience. Here are just a few of my meandering takeaways.
You “meet” a lot of potential partners while you’re on the toilet
At first, I thought I’d meet most people at bars or through friends, but dating apps have become so popular that you seem like an outlier if you’re a single person in the city who doesn’t use them. (I have a folder on my phone for the seven apps I’ve downloaded titled “Don’t Die Alone.”)
Apps mean you can meet people pretty much whenever, like when one is attempting to take breaks from something like their job or the nearly constant crippling existential crises that come with attempting to exist in the city—so it’s entirely possible that you could first lay eyes on the love of your life when you’re idly swiping some Tuesday afternoon while simultaneously taking a shit at work. (If things go well with one of these conversations, it could someday make for a very strange “How I Met Your Mother” story.)
There’s always someone out there who’s better than you
In the city, there are so many potential partners that people can keep their options open — and they do. There’s always the not-inaccurate notion that they could find someone better suited for them than you, so it can be difficult to find people who are willing to commit. It’s competitive in a weird and vaguely unsettling way, especially when you don’t really have the confidence to believe that you’re a better catch than, well, most anyone.
When it comes to messaging, a simple “hey” is not nearly enough
Since it’s so “competitive,” you have to get creative and stand out with your messaging — whether it’s through a dating app or otherwise.
For the record, these first lines are likely to fail:
- I can’t wait to tell my mom about you!
- Maybe we’ll start messaging on here and then go out and hit it off and end up together for all time? You could be my Forever Wedding Date! Which would definitely be a step up, as my current Forever Wedding Date is a vape pen.
- I think it’s pretty cool that you’re the person at the party who can be found hanging out with all the dogs. Maybe someday you can come over to my place and meet my pets. I hope you have a decent imagination. Because they are stuffed animals.
- You ever think about marriage?
- Are you the girl of my dreams? I sure hope so, because the last person I met on this app is someone I ended up dating for, like, two years and change, even though she ended up being the woman of my night terrors.
- How was your weekend? I spent mine brainstorming what tattoo I can get to cover up the one I have that prominently features the name of my ex. Any ideas? I’m definitely open to suggestions.
- I’ve been told that my natural scent is akin to the inside of a Panera Bread.
Planning a date (almost always) seems like a good idea at the time
It’s a rarity to meet someone and be like, “Want to get a quick drink after work?” and have it work out. Instead it’s like, “Well, I’m all booked up for half of the next fiscal quarter, but let’s get something on the calendar for ASAP for when things seem less crazy and I have a little time to breathe!”
But things never seem to really get less crazy.
People here juggle career ambition and trying to be a good friend, both of which often trump romance, and at the end of the night, it doesn’t leave much bandwidth for dating. So you end up scheduling and canceling and rescheduling, sometimes several times. Then the actual day of the date arrives, and you find yourself wanting to cancel because back when you first scheduled it, you somehow—in a brief moment of optimism—forgot that you often do not really feel like going and meeting a new person in real life after a long day.
It’s a large dating pool but a smaller dating world than you think
You’d think that in such a large population, you could go out with someone, and if it doesn’t work out, you’ll never have to see them again.
But that’s often not the case.
Eventually, and probably more than once, you’ll find yourself in spitting distance of someone you’ve gone on a date or two with before one of you ghosted the other or you did that thing whereby you both tacitly agree to fade out of each other’s lives without talking about it at all. These encounters seem to most often occur at bars or on public transportation, and occasionally when you’re walking down the street. There’s no way such a thing won’t be extremely awkward and anxiety inducing, no matter how you play it — even when that means making every effort to completely avoid interaction.
Ghosting has become a very normal way to experience rejection
This is fine. Sometimes you would just really rather not know the reason why a person no longer wants to see you or speak to you — and until you reach a certain point, a person doesn’t owe you any kind of explanation anyway.
It can be kind of weirdly pleasurable, though, to keep texting people you’re fairly sure are ghosting you and pretend like you have no clue what they’re doing.
If you’re wondering why a person may have ghosted you, here are some potential reasons:
- They’re, like, totally swamped at work.
- Your kissing style doesn’t match theirs, which, while not immediately a deal breaker, is quite an obstacle in the long run, if you really think about it.
- You habitually wear socks during sex, and you’re not very good at boning to begin with. Your performance is subpar at best. Too much tongue in the kissing, not enough tongue in the oral, etc.
- You’re in your 30s and still sleep with stuffed animals, which isn’t the weirdest thing of all time, but it’s also not not weird.
- They met someone better than you (who may actually be the love of their life) while browsing the dating app they met you on and would prefer to slowly fade their way out of your life than actually reveal this to you, because in the past people have overreacted in strange and sometimes unsettling ways to finding out that they weren’t viewed, in the eyes of someone they’ve been attempting to court, as the most viable of potential partners.
- They found out about the hookers.
- They decided that multitasking is stupid and that they don’t want to breathe and text you at the same time anymore, and they’re a slow typist with subpar lung capacity.
- You came on way too strong way too quickly and freaked them the fuck out. (Maybe next time don’t text something like, “I miss you already,” moments after the conclusion of your third date.)
- They were a figment of your imagination. In fact, none of this is real.
- You fucked up the whole “your” and “you’re” thing one too goddamn many times.
- They have been married this whole time, and their spouse found out, so they had to cut ties immediately and without notice with you and anyone else they have been seeing outside the marriage.
- After all these years, you’re still trying to make “fetch” happen.
- Because shit happens.
- Sometimes it’s easier to vanish into thin air than to explain oneself.
When you’re single, you develop a bitterness toward seemingly happy couples
There are few sites and sounds worse than the sound of two people within earshot kissing on public transportation. You hate these people and think they are the worst.
Until that one fateful night when you’re coming home from a date that went much better than expected and you’re doing the same thing. Then it’s just fine.
Dating is an expensive undertaking
When you’re basically forced to pay nearly half your salary in rent, it can be a tough pill to swallow when you’re going out spending money on a single cocktail that costs twice as much as a monthly Netflix subscription to socialize with someone you maybe (OK, probably) won’t even hit it off with.
It’s not a walk of shame—it’s a stride of pride
And don’t you forget it.
Hey! The Bold Italic recently launched a podcast, This Is Your Life in Silicon Valley. Check out the full season or listen to the episode below featuring Alexia Tsotsis, former co-editor of TechCrunch. More coming soon, so stay tuned!
