A long, long time ago we all used to be friends in real life. And we’d address all of our issues with real words. In person! And everything was so simple. And it’s still that way! Just kidding. Now everyone is friends online and all we do is passive-aggressively fuck with each other’s heads in dubious games of friending and defriending and following and unfollowing.
Being a shallow person, I have accumulated a list of things that have occurred between my social networking friends and me in the last five years of my life on Facebook. I presume you will relate, as I presume you’ve done these things too. Unless you’re Heather. YOU BLEW IT, HEATHER, YOU PLAYED TOO MANY GAMES AND THEN YOU LOST ME! I WAS A CATCH! (Sorry, where were we?)
Here are some reasons we’re defriending each other on the ’book these days
I'm passive-aggressively letting you know that I'm not concerned with your life's mundane activities anymore.
I'm aggressively letting you know that I'm over you.
You only post pictures of your dog. Your dog is a Chihuahua. Are you okay? Wait, shit, this is me.
You took a survey that told me what character you were from a popular TV show. I’m not even that interested in you as a person, let alone a character you totes might be like. So, thanks for the reminder that we should have ended this a while ago, Shosh.
WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU SAY “SPOILER ALERT” ABOUT THAT SERIES FINALE? DEAD TO ME. FUCKING DEAD TO ME.
You post new selfies every day and I just can’t do this anymore.
Your new profile picture makes you look less attractive than I remember you being.
You write blog posts primarily about yourself, and then you post them on every social network, with no shame in your self-promotion. (I won’t look in the mirror at this moment.)
You defriended me and it hurt me for some surprising reason. I waited a little while and then friended you back when we were cool again, and then I defriended you to make a point. Boom! Maturity.
Wait, so you did notice that I defriended you again? So you DO still think about me? Okay, I'll friend you again. But I swear to fucking God ...
You have posted over 10 times in the last few hours. Most people don't say that many things in public. Imagine stating whatever you just posted out in the wild, like 15 times. Was it awkward? Just imagine it’s the same here, then. Because it is.
You are posting about how crazy your office is and telling me that, "This is how you roll at (blank corporation)." I don't work at (blank corporation), and really, you only needed to notify me of how you roll once.
You tag me in everything. Fucking everything. I don’t know 18 of the other people in this shit that you just tagged me in.
You are writing an inside joke that I don't get, and since I don't get it, I'm going to throw down my Internet and get angry because I WANNA BE IN ON THE JOKE TOO.
You just keep saying you're hungry. Or that you want to nap. I mean, just go for it. We're not dating, you do not need my Internet permission.
Your profile picture is your dog or cat.
Your profile picture is you and your boyfriend. Look, I tried to hang in there when you got a boyfriend, and just buried you on my feed. But now you commented on a mutual friend's post and I saw that profile picture and we gotta end this. I'm sorry.
You are posting about political things using poor grammar. I can't tell you how dead to me you are.
(The writer acknowledges that 120% of these insights are probably things he has done or will do in the future, and that, in some cases, he was even trying to make an ironic point of how he is part of the problem here. Please get the joke, Internet. Please.)