By Cecilia Esther Rabess

Coachella is this weekend, folks, which means you’re either gathering up your crop tops and neon fanny packs in preparation or you’re hating on all your friends who can’t stop status updating their excitement. So as the chorus of naysayers rises to a crescendo, I present to you a quick and dirty compendium of Coachella killjoys, one shit-talker at a time.

The “2000 and Later” Haters

You know the type. Their life philosophy can be summed up in five words: “Did that five years ago.” This crowd loves to remind you that Coachella didn’t always suck ... it’s only gone downhill since they stopped going. You will never be as cool as these people were five years ago. And in five years, you still won’t be as cool as they are today. That’s just math.

The “Forevermark® Diamond” Haters

Certain festival fans like their music like a Southern debutante likes her diamonds: pure. For these people, the lineup can never be good enough. It wouldn’t matter if you raised Tupac himself from the dead (oh wait…) because for an indie snob purist the line-up will always suck.

The “Jessie Spano Drug Freak Out” Haters

The  bands! The people! The pool parties! The celebrities dressed like homeless hipsters! It’s! Just! Too! Much! These haters are scared (!), they’re excited (!) and they’re pretty sure that Coachella is just one sellout crowd away from becoming a Sichuan swimming pool on a hot summer day.

The “Hashtag No Filter” Haters

These people don’t actually hate Coachella – not really. They hate duckface and blurry parties and circles of feet and the situations that inspire people to photograph them. Their disdain for music festivals is mostly just a reflection of their disdain for Instagram. And not even that awesome picture of your wristband saturated in subtle hues of gold and corn silk can change that.

The “Charlie Brown Christmas Special” Haters

Perhaps the most wistful of haters, these honorary members of the Peanuts gang are to Coachella what Charlie Brown is to Christmas: an awkward reminder that we’ve forgotten its true meaning, and that at least one of our friends hasn’t showered in three days.

The “Taylor Swift Breakup Song” Haters

And then there are the people for whom Coachella made some promises that it just couldn’t keep. They’ll crow about how much the festival disappoints until they’re blue in the face, and if anyone asks: they are never, ever getting back to Coachella. Like, ever.

With so many reasons to trash-talk Coachella, the question isn’t, do you hate the festival, but rather, what kind of hater are you?