Perfect Names for the 6 New California States

Jul 15 at 4pm

With all this talk about Tim Draper’s ridiculous measure splitting California into six new states actually getting enough signatures to get on the 2016 ballot, people are up in arms about the potential income inequality, land rights issues, prison and school relocations, political gerrymandering, waste of time, money, effort, and resources for next-to-no real benefit, and a bunch of other totally boring and valid arguments against the proposed change. Not to mention the near impossibility of this passing in 2016 (with 59% currently opposing), as well as the total impossibility of getting it through Congress, which has better things to do; like nothing.

But for me, the real problem with the plan is the lame-o naming system of the new states. Jefferson? Seriously? As if there aren’t enough places named after old white guys. West California? Sdfsldfskjfjjjjjjjjj Sorry, I just fell asleep on my keyboard.

For Mr. Draper’s benefit, I’ve suggested a number of names for these proposed states, just in case the proposal sees any sort of headway. You’re welcome.

Jefferson = New Greenland.

This is a no brainer. Most of the Emerald Triangle is contained within, and not naming it after the region's greatest export is just a missed opportunity – especially with legalization on the same 2016 ballotHonorable Mention: Marijuanaville – like Margaritaville but with more buffets and less Buffett.

North California = Bacchanalia 

Named for the Roman god of wine, a fitting tribute to the drunk Napa Valley orgies and Sonoma County cirrhosis that the area is already well known for. Honorable Mention: Tomatopia – Did you know 90% of the US’s tomatoes are grown and canned in Yolo, California?

Central California = West Dakota 

Not unlike our flatland friends to the east, this state would be a combination of overpriced farmland, localized poverty, and lifeblood agriculture. Prepare for a massive influx of misguided bohemians. Honorable Mention: Prison Central — The proposed area is bordered by most of the prisons in California, mainly due to its largeness.

Silicon Valley = Xanadu 

The split would make this new state the richest in the nation, by far. So why not name it for the ultra-wealthy kingdom it would rapidly turn into? Honorable Mention: Googlifornia – a corporation can buy a state, right?

West California = Hollywoodland 

Because if we named it after the second most relevant aspect of the Los Angeles area, it’d be called Tacotruckville. Honorable Mention: Dream Graveyard – At least to stop people from moving there.

South California = Doug 

Because the southern section of California is predominantly white and pretty boring, which just makes me think of a guy named Doug. Honorable Mention: Methicali – I’ve heard the meth is pretty damn good down there.

Image from Thinkstock

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