I love the San Francisco Giants. Some of the best memories of my life involve them, from going to games at the 'Stick with my family when I was a kid to the 2010 season when I found out how much they bring us all together in this town. And it's happening again … and my God, it's amazing. The town is on fire, and I swear to God unicorns are coming around corners and high-hoofing me. Is this really happening? Yes, Giants fans. This is really happening again, and I love every f*%king last one of you.
In honor of our Giants making it to the World Series, I made a quick "here's some crap you should know" for those just getting on board. It's never too late to become a Giants fan for life. I hope, bandwagon/new fan, that this is what's happening to you.
Some nicknames you should throw out:
Panda: Pablo Sandoval, third base. He's the guy who, you know, looks like a giant panda bear. He's adorably huge and his bat is finally coming around in the postseason. He plays third, which you'll notice because it looks like a panda bear is on third base, but it’s a baseball player.
Zeets: Barry Zito, pitcher. The guy everyone loved/hated with a passion for the entirety of his seven year, $126 million dollar contract until he pitched a lights out, unreal, epic Game 5 of the NLCS. He's possibly the best story of the team, as he went from being Eeyore to "the hot guy who is emotional and plays guitar and has a filthy curve" again.
Cainers: Matt Cain, pitcher. He's got a baby face and a really hot wife. He is by far our best starting pitcher. Dude is lights out.
Freak/Timmy/Big Time Timmy Jim: Tim Lincecum, pitcher. He had a really bad season but we still love the guy, no matter what. He looks like Mitch Kramer, and after we won the NLDS he alluded to knowing what girls feel like after he got a champagne shower in the eye. Which is funny.
Blockbuster: Marco Scutaro, second base (the guys on the team nicknamed him this; you'll look good in the stands if you call him this too). We traded for him for what now feels like three peanuts and a broken bike chain. The guy has been our rock heading into the postseason and this is his first time in a World Series.
Madbum: Madison Bumgarner, pitcher. Hasn't had the best postseason, but he could be a nice story in the World Series, because everyone loves to hear about a guy who did better when we least expected it. See "every sports movie, ever."
The Reverend: Hunter Pence, outfield (dude delivered the most epic rally speech ever).
Baby Giraffe: Brandon Belt, first base. That's right. We have a panda bear looking dude at third and a baby giraffe at first. How cool is that? He looks like he's scared at the high school dance every game, but he's coming into his own and starting to hit well.
El Caballo Loco: Angel Pagan, outfield. He's the devilishly attractive man in center, our leadoff hitter. He's going to earn a lot of money this offseason after having an amazing year, so let's hope it's with us.
Crawdaddy: Brandon Crawford, shortstop. He's got the prettiest eyes in all the land and ravishing locks. He's also possibly the best defensive shortstop in the game, as shown by his insane leaping catch in the third inning of Game 7 of the NLCS. His wife is about seven months pregnant, so this has got to be the best year of his life. His mom was a teacher at the school I went to growing up, so he's the best. (Hi, Mrs. Crawford!)
Buster/MVPosey: Buster Posey, catcher. Our absolute heart and soul. He's the kinda guy you wish was in your family. But, hey, he's in our family, because dude is going to be a Giant for life. He had a devastating injury last year that could have derailed his entire career, but he came back to have what could very well be an MVP season. If we win it all, this one is definitely for him.
Romo: Sergio Romo, pitcher. He's the new beard to fear, and he's our closer. And he's now the owner of one of the most memorable pictures of any postseason, when he was celebrating in the rain after winning Game 7 of the NLCS.
The Riot: Ryan Theriot, second base. One of our bench guys. I just love him because his nickname is The Riot.
If anyone yells "what's the matter with (fill in the blank name)": Immediately yell, "He's a bum!" and don't question it. It's what we do, buddy.
If someone strikes out: Just yell "Grab some pine, meat."
If a Giant hits a home run: Yell "Adios Pelota!" Or just hug/high five the living crap out of everyone around you. Or yell "He hits it highhh. He hits it deeeeeep. Outttaa heeere" like Kuip does, which you can listen to and practice here.
Listen closely: the name "Melky Cabrera" is basically "Voldemort."
If you're going to talk about him, refer to him as "He whose name we do not say."
Brian Wilson and his beard are not, in fact, our closer right now.
But he is our self-appointed cheerleader this postseason and he's still the greatest man of all time. Sergio Romo is our closer (see above) and new beard to fear.
If you want to drop a stat that shows you give a crap, casually bring up a few of these in the stands to gain the respect of your peers:
"This team doesn't have as many crazy characters as the 2010 team, but it's got a ton of character." (This sounds insightful, so you'll either get punched in the nuts for sounding sort of emo or people will be so drunk off of their love for the Giants that they'll love this, as they should.)
"Zeets really redeemed his contract with that Game 5 start. Unreal, man. He was throwing the filth again instead of throwing a yoga ball out there."
"Marco, man. His patience at the plate is insane. Dude never swings and misses." (Honestly, he doesn't. In his first 198 plate appearances with the Giants, he only swung at the ball and didn't hit it ninnnne times, Bueller.)
"So happy to see Buster come off that ankle injury to have the year he's having. It's such a good story." (See MVPosey above.)
"We're the f*%king greatest team ever, guys." (Because we are, man, we are.)
"Let's do this for Bryan Stow." (Because anything the Giants do from here on out as a franchise should, and always will, be for Bryan Stow. We've still got this for you, Bryan. We're all thinking of you.)
Just yell, "GO GIANTS/BEAT LA!" (It doesn't matter that we're not playing the Dodgers, it's just fun to remind them that we're here and they're not, and people will surely enjoy it when you do this.)