By Andrew Lee
Dear Tiger Mother,
Did you get the magazine I sent in which I was mentioned? I hope you were able to show it to your weekly real-estate-investing / college-admissions group! I know it’s not the cover, but there was another Asian person on the cover already. And no, it wasn’t one of our neighbors — for once Constance is not my competition!
While I know you are fairly happy with my career, I wanted to address our conversation earlier this week about me “finding someone.” Despite your best intentions, I have come to the conclusion that you, Tiger Mom (and your tiger-parent friends), have some serious learning to do on the relationship-advice front. Please read carefully below, especially if you want to meet any of my future dates.
1) Online dating is nothing like the SAT, Mom!
Sure, there are some logical reasoning and math questions, but ultimately you have to meet someone to figure out whether they are a fit when it comes to chemistry, personality and brains. I know you would rather have potential mates submit a photo, their SAT score and their GPA, and that grandma would want their lunar zodiac sign, but on the Internet, there’s no way to tell if people are telling the truth. There’s no proctor, and many people don’t even look like their online pictures! So it’s important to meet the person.
2) “Twenty questions” doesn’t work.
Despite how proud you were of my test scores, grades and first chair in the orchestra (remember my letterman jacket?), no one really likes being tested. More importantly, no one wants to feel like a piece of meat being directly asked, “How smart are you?” It’s ironic, really; you just want to see if this person is better looking, more personable and smarter than average, but you just can’t bluntly ask them! Since I know you won’t take no for an answer on this issue, I wanted to let you know that proxy questions can gather the same data (this will help when I finally do bring someone home for you to meet). Consider this:
Try not to ask, “What were your grades? What were your test scores? What school did you go to?” Instead, ask this: “I read an article recently in the New Yorker / The Economist / The Atlantic. Did you read it? What do you think?”
Try not to ask, “What is your greatest weakness?” Instead, ask this: “What was the subject in school you liked the least?”
Try not to ask, “What are your political views?” Instead, ask this: “Do grammar mistakes annoy you?” or “Do you want the people in your life to be simple or complex?”
3) Being too frugal can ruin a date.
Now every good tiger mother teaches her children to be frugal. Nevertheless, I’ve probably been a little too frugal. Turns out, the Costco food court is not a great place to take a date (you’re right — it does close too early). I’ve also found that not every date is open to taking leftover condiments; it’s as if they live in a world where condiments are just available everywhere! And what if the person asked me out? Do I pay at all?! Little Sister tells me that she makes her date pay for EVERYTHING, but if my potential mate is so irresponsible with their money, how will we manage our finances together?! Which leads me to my next point …
4) “Classy” moves don’t really work (especially on non-tiger-mom-raised dates).
Don’t turn on classical music and say, “Oh, this is nice. Is this Stravinsky or Vivaldi?” I know, it’s an easy question, but maybe their family was a modern jazz family.
Don’t drop $20 on the ground for your date to find. It’s a lose-lose situation. If they keep it, you’ll think they’re frugal, but they could be a thief! If they give it away, you’ll think they’re not frugal. Also, Mom, just because they give it to the homeless doesn’t mean they’re giving money to the homeless for drugs.
Don’t assume that everyone likes karaoke. Some people don’t like singing but prefer to play the piano instead. Some people also have terrible voices, like Little Sister.
Don’t take too many pictures. Not everyone likes cute pictures, pictures with food, photos of people jumping or any combination of the three.
5) Dating is not like an Asian soap opera.
If someone says they’re going to the bathroom, they’re probably going to the bathroom and not texting their other lover. Don’t misinterpret a pensive look or a scrunch of the nose; it doesn’t mean they hate you or are in a bad mood of some sort. They might just have eaten a bad burrito. NOTE: this probably doesn’t count for people who are just like you, dear Tiger Mother.
6) The rules of the dating game have changed.
Dating only one person is a bad idea. It doesn’t help you understand what you like. Not everyone looks in a newspaper, finds the top test scores and then arranges meetings through grandmothers. In fact, our generation tries to date more people — luckily, I think you’ll be happy to know that I found a mathematical equation for this problem, which we’ll call a secretary problem.
7) It takes work to dial down tiger habits.
I’ve learned that when I find someone who is a potential match for me, it’s important to dial down my tiger habits. Despite how much I really want my way, saying something louder and more frequently does not allow me to win an argument. Also, bargaining is best left for the night markets in Asia, I think. A good example is when someone says they’re full. They’re probably actually full. Forcing them to scoop up more food will not make them love me more. Less is more. Actually, that’s probably unrealistic, because we all have Tupperware (or they should finish their plate).
I hope this list is helpful, Mom! Oh, and the funniest thing is, although the above prose discusses things one shouldn’t do, if someone else did them to me, I think you’d be proud that I wouldn’t be judging … too much.
— Your Tiger Cub
P.S. I know, I know — I don’t have a lot of time left. And yes, I am wearing sunscreen and have done all my health checkups (including a dentist appointment).
Hero Photo Courtesy of Chris Michel.
