The holiday season can be tough for a variety of reasons: budget, time, seasonally associated trauma, general anxiety disorders, existential dread, the crushing weight of others’ expectations — the list goes on. What really exhausts me is choosing Christmas gifts for my loved ones and work obligations. I know so many excellent gift-givers that, by comparison, I know I am not.
At a certain point, you just have to accept this about yourself. Instead of feeling guilty about your lack of holiday cheer, I suggest committing as little energy as possible to your shopping list. Here are some ways you, too, can half-ass Christmas gifts.
Gift cards
My dad always said gift cards are impersonal and banned them from family gifts — a real bummer since I’m sure my sisters would love to just receive money. But my dad’s not here, so let’s pick out a gift card. For someone you hardly care about, a big-brand gift card is totally appropriate, if not a weak choice. Spice it up by getting a gift card from a super niche local store or an online Japanese stationery shop. Want to go even more bland? Insult them with one for a major drugstore chain.
Even less effort? Digital gift cards. Avoid landfill plastic and email them a digital representation of how much they’re worth to you in monetary value. Want to exert the least effort of all? Hand them cold, hard cash. Most people would probably be thrilled.
Handmade gifts that are terrible
Let’s face it: it’s way too late, and you are way too talentless to make a decent handmade gift for Christmas. Creative hubris is a hell of a drug, though, so pick up that barely-started amateur crochet project from August and frantically work on making a barely-a-scarf for someone in your life.
If crochet isn’t your jam, pick another DIY. When’s the last time you gave someone a pasta necklace? I have a friend who makes candles out of interesting containers and melt-and-pour wax, but that doesn’t feel half-assed enough to me. Instead, make them a sample-size perfume by randomly mixing scents from your medicine cabinet. The beauty of a handmade gift is that no matter how bad it is, the recipient can only act grateful — or risk looking like a holiday jackass.
Footing the bill
I go out to dinner with friends often and, on occasion, have even been known to treat them when the bill comes. This year-round act of generosity can easily be made holiday-themed by going out to dinner anytime in December.
A real Christmas dinner would involve planning, forethought, and choosing a fancier-than-normal venue to treat it like the special occasion it is. You can’t afford that. Take your loved one to a reliable restaurant you both like on a random Tuesday night because that’s the only night you both have free. Why risk your limited funds on a menu you might not like?
When the bill comes, snatch it from the table and say, “My gift to you, dear friend, is a good meal on me.” They’ll probably understand because they’re poor, too. Isn’t spending time together what it’s really about, whether that’s in a five-star establishment or a greasy spoon?
No-buy December
Take a stand against the heartless consumerism of the season and let people know early that you’re doing no-buy December. If they say, “Isn’t it usually no-buy November?” you can reply, “I have a phobia of alliteration.”
Truly, you don’t have to spend a lot of money to give a holiday gift. As long as you have paper in your house, you have the potential to make a Christmas card. Write a heartfelt statement of love and appreciation. Recognition costs nothing, and if you really love them, it’ll be easy to tell them all the ways you care.
Be sure to leave half the card available to reiterate why buying useless junk for Christmas, just because of holiday expectations, isn’t a good enough reason to push our planet to the brink even faster. They’ll be simultaneously touched by your kind words and mentally exhausted by your Grinch-like demeanor.
Ghosting
If you truly have nothing to contribute to anyone’s Christmas celebration, have you considered ghosting everyone you know? Fully dropping out of society wouldn’t be half-assing anything, though. To save face, send a brief text of holiday cheer and absolutely true excuses, like:
- “Happy Holidays! Sorry I couldn’t make it — I’m on a two-week sound bath retreat.”
- “Merry Christmas! I love and appreciate you, but if I have to leave my house this week, I will crash out in front of your whole family.”
This way, you give them the gift of thinking about you fondly instead of experiencing you mildly. It’s probably the most disappointing method for the people who love you, but if you don’t show up, how can they expect you to give gifts?
In these mentally exhausting times, when the simple act of living requires us to sell our souls to corporate greed and our blood on the black market, Christmas gifting is just too steep of a hill for some of us. So, give yourself some grace this holiday season. Remember: Christmas is only as magical as we make it. You could be the one to half-ass a Christmas miracle for someone special in your life.
T. Von D. is a local museum worker and lesbian.
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