As an introvert, I dread holiday parties. The strangers, the small talk, the awkward corner dwelling, the handshakes and the forced smiles. It’s enough to make any introvert quake in their boots, longing for an empty couch and a full glass of wine. It’s not that we aren’t social creatures; we just prefer smaller groups, where our voices can be heard and where we’re not afraid of sounding like an idiot in a discussion about North Korea or Donald Trump.
But sometimes heading to that holiday party is inevitable, as is dealing with mega amounts of family members. Never fear—there are a few ways to keep your introverted sanity during the craziest time of year.
Know your limits
Remember, it’s OK to say no to certain social occasions. Check out your calendar and decide which parties or gatherings you want to go to, and decline everything else.
Kira Newman, managing editor at the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley, says it’s important to set boundaries.
“Think about how you felt in the past at certain parties and around certain people,” she said. “It’s OK to decline something if it won’t be good for your well-being. It can be hard to state your needs, but it’s OK to nicely and firmly opt out.”
She said that as an introvert herself, she decided to go to one social event per week when she moved to a new city as a small effort to meet new friends.
“A lot of times, there’s this inertia; you may not feel like getting dressed up and going out, but once you go, you have fun,” she said.
Remember, social connection is important for everyone
A big part of what the Greater Good Science Center does is study what makes people happy and well balanced. Social interaction is part of it, and it’s something even introverts need. Kira said that sometimes you’ll end up finding someone you really connect with at a party.
“One conversation starter I use a lot at parties is asking people about their New Year’s resolutions,” she said. “It’s a socially acceptable question for someone you don’t know very well, and it gets to something deeper about that person— what their goals are and what’s important to them.”
Another piece of advice is to try to schedule one-on-one time with friends or family members whom you might be heading to see this holiday season. There’s no reason to always spend time with everyone at once.
“There are so many introverts for whom one-on-one time doesn’t activate their aversion to being around large groups and huge parties, because you can really be yourself and have a great conversation,” she said.
Self-care is self-compassion
It’s important that introverts take some time for themselves amid the hustle and bustle and holiday cheer. A walk in nature, for example, or a yoga class can do a lot for our socially harassed psyches.
Kira wants people to remember that it’s important to have self-compassion. Treat yourself like you would a friend.
“You wouldn’t make fun of a friend who said something silly. Whatever you’re embarrassed about has been done before,” she said. “I was at a wedding once, and I saw someone watching me intently. He commented that when I listen to someone, he could see the cogs move in my brain. I was so flattered; as an introvert, I always think I’m not talking or contributing enough, but he saw it in a positive light. Listening is a strength that introverts have, and I try to remember that when I’m too self-critical.”
Don’t worry, introverts, we will get through this holiday season. And after the relatives have gone and the holiday parties are over, we can go back to our empty couches, full glasses of wine and cats.
