Hi Jessica,
My boyfriend is one of the most thoughtful people, and he makes me blissfully happy. We have the same fundamental ideas about life with enough room for differing opinions to keep things interesting. But there is one thing we disagree about that is driving me nuts.
It seems like every time there is an issue in the news that relates to women’s rights — whether it’s legislation preventing rape on college campuses, companies that fail to pay women equally, or, most recently, the D.C. judge that overturned the case against the man who was taking creeper photos up women’s skirts — we are on opposite ends. I am always on the side of women, and my boyfriend will argue for freedom of speech or the rights of those who may be unfairly accused in rape cases.
A lot of these issues hit close to home for me as I and many people close to me have been assaulted. My boyfriend can be so compassionate in so many ways, but he completely misses the mark here, and it really upsets me and makes me wonder what would happen if we got married, had kids, and one was a girl (future tripping, I know).
How do I talk to him about this? Could this possibly be a deal breaker? — Torn
I don’t believe that the people we are close to need to share our values, or think the same as we do. There’s something exciting about a challenging debate, and engaging about having to really think about your beliefs in a critical way. But you’ve gotta be able to trust that the people you’re close to have respect for you and the lives of others, and that you have a shared definition of what that means. You need to decide if your boyfriend’s thinking is disrespectful to other people’s rights (including yours), because that speaks to his character. If he believes that men have a right to make more money than women, take “upskirt” pics (excuse me while I barf), and tends towards the rights of rapists, I’m not sure how you can trust that he thinks of females as fully equal humans. His attitudes suggest that he’s lacking in empathy to me, and that’s a total deal breaker — but hey, I’m not the one dating him. You need to make your mind up about what you believe, and not because of how he may raise your unborn babies (what he’d teach a son to become should be just as scary to you as how he would treat a daughter, BTW), but because of what it means about his character. Opportunity is just a test of your values, Torn, so make sure you’re standing up for yours.
If he believes that men have a right to make more money than women, take “upskirt” pics (excuse me while I barf), and tends towards the rights of rapists, I’m not sure how you can trust that he thinks of females as fully equal humans. His attitudes suggest that he’s lacking in empathy to me, and that’s a total deal breaker- but hey, I’m not the one dating him.
There are people who have the most ignorant and/or hateful attitudes towards all kinds of people and it doesn’t negate the good in them. Life isn’t black and white, and people aren’t “good” or “bad.” He may treat you like gold, have a soft spot for kittens, like the same music, and be a perfect gentleman on dates, but that doesn’t mean that he defines kindness and respect in the same way that you do, and that shit is key for any LTR to work, my friend.
I wonder what you mean when you ask about how to talk to him — are you asking me how you can convince him that your views (let’s call them our views, really) are right and his are wrong? As much as I agree with you, you don’t get to change him so you can continue to date him. What you really need to do is listen. It sounds like you’ve already talked to him about this stuff. He’s already told you what he believes and what his ethics are, but I worry you’re not hearing him. If you really just want to talk things through then just be direct; let him know what you believe, and don’t candy coat how his attitudes make you feel. Be open and honest, but don’t try to “fix” him. Respect his right to his perspective as much as you want him to respect yours, but if you can’t get behind his core values you need to bounce, Torn.
XO,
Jessica
The Mission’s resident advisor gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with all kinds of relationship issues. So we asked Jessica if she’d come on board to do a weekly advice column, Truth Talk, for The Bold Italic. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, you can post your question anonymously here or email her at truthtalkwithjessica@gmail.com, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.
