Here we are one year removed from the election of President Trump. For those of us in the Bay Area, it probably seems as if nobody other than your racist uncle in Ohio who is always talking about chemtrails and Benghazi voted for him, but that isn’t true, not even in California. This may come as a surprise to some, but there is much more to California that is not the Bay Area, and trust me when I say that nobody in Other-California has read the latest Mark Morford diatribe against gun-owning flyover country rural folk who think Warrior II is the latest straight-to-video Steven Seagal flick.
Not many Southern Californians know this — and by Southern California, I mean everything south of Redding — but Northern California is already trying to secede from the rest of the state to form the State of Jefferson. The good news is that we can now one-up our northern neighbors by taking secession a step further and forming our own nation. Now, many of us might have the urge to say, “So long, suckers! Your flagship state university is now Chico (Jefferson?) State, and your biggest export is State-of-Jefferson-branded weed from Weed.” But is this really a good idea?
Welcome to Calexit, an argument brought to you by folks who think the entirety of California exists within a 100-mile radius of SFO and LAX.
Indeed, one of the more reasonable arguments for Calexit is that California agriculture is a pretty big deal, and presumably, desert-dwelling Nevadans and Arizonians also like to eat, which gives us room to negotiate our terms.
To be fair, there are some seemingly rational reasons to form our own nation. Indeed, one of the more reasonable arguments for Calexit is that California agriculture is a pretty big deal, and presumably, desert-dwelling Nevadans and Arizonians also like to eat, which gives us room to negotiate our terms. Unfortunately, most of our food comes from the Central Valley, and really, they have more in common with the great red middle than they do with San Francisco. As Rush Limbaugh might say, they don’t have our backs, folks, and that means our farmers’ markets are going to become a barren wasteland. There is no way Sacramento, Fresno and Bakersfield are going to consent to be part of a state dominated by either the Bay Area or LA. They will either become part of Nevada or form their own state (and if they can rope in San Bernardino, “Inland Empire” would instantly become the coolest state name in the USA by a large margin).
Speaking of Bakersfield, there goes our main source of oil, natural gas, methamphetamine and decent country music. And with little agriculture, the price of anything left, like produce from what’s left of post-fires Sonoma, will go through the roof, forcing wineries to grow actual food instead of just making us drunk (“All aboard the Napa Valley Kale Train!” said no one ever). The good news is that we can at least get cheap oil from San Francisco’s nearest ideological twin, the Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela (Did you know that that’s its full name? Neither did I. Thanks Wikipedia!), a country that, despite immense oil reserves, is so ineptly governed that its main source of income has become kidnapping the families of wealthy Venezuelan Major League baseball players for ransom.
Now that we aren’t going to be fighting with the rest of the country about our politics, we can get down to fighting among ourselves. Which, of course, means civil war. With most of the rest of California out of the picture, we can get on with what we all want to see: LA vs. SF. The Southland vs. the Bay Area. The tech knowledge of the Bay Area vs. the military and aerospace expertise of the Southland. No longer will Giants-vs.-Dodgers have to suffice as a metaphor for our regional distaste; we can actually fight! And this, folks, would be one hell of a battle.
The deep south would have a major population advantage, plus far fewer militarily useless Burners (full disclosure: your correspondent is a militarily useless Burner), so I reckon we would have to make serious entreaties for support from foreign powers. Given that Silicon Valley farms out virtually all manufacturing to China, and that the first iconic military leader who comes to mind for most San Franciscans is probably General Tso, that seems like a good place to start.
Unfortunately, China has also become far and away the biggest market for DC-/Marvel-branded Hollywood dreck, so we would be anything but guaranteed their support. And speaking of Hollywood dreck, I fear no one in Southern-Southern California more than Michael Bay. Unless Elon Musk turns his attention to something more practical than cars that can’t travel from San Francisco to LA without being plugged into your laundry room electrical outlet for 12 hours and builds us some giant (Venezuelan gas-powered) robots to battle Colonial Bay and the Decepticons, we have no chance. Which is why we would perhaps be better off aligning with Japan. Of course, then we’d face the wrath of Godzilla…ah never mind. Perhaps the more enlightened path is just learning to get along with Americans who are different from us. Like other Californians.
