By Jessica Saia
All photos by Erin Conger; food styling by Mason Lindahl
If you live in San Francisco, it’s likely your Facebook and Instagram feeds are constantly updating a steady stream of every la-dee-dah meal your friends are about to eat. (Wait, is that why it’s called a “feed”?) Of course you want to join in so no one starts questioning your gastronomical fanciness, but come on, not all of us can afford to try every hot new restaurant in town! And who can remember what random day the farmers’ markets happen? Are those people even farmers? Where are their overalls? And what the hell is a sunchoke? If it involves beach violence, I’m not even interested.
You know what? I don’t need to know. Truth is, everything you need for a beautiful, complicated-sounding meal is literally right around the corner at your local convenience store (and local is so hot right now!). Will your friends be jealous and filled with nauseous regret when they realize they’ve been wasting so much time and money seeking out “fresh” and “seasonal” produce? Probably, but life’s about as fair as the trade of these ingredients.
An enticing bite of rehydrated beef jerky, pickled asparagus, and fried capers delicately cupped in a Frito Scoop and finished with a sprinkling from a Top Ramen beef-flavor packet.
Instant mashed potato croquettes and fried canned oysters crusted in Wonder Bread crumbs and dusted with the bottom of a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos. Garnished with wild sorrel picked from a tree well outside of the corner store — from curb to table!
Rinsed Chef Boyardee ravioli with a Yellow Tail red wine sauce, peas handpicked from a Cup-a-Soup, and finished with grated string cheese.
Seared Spam with Tostitos queso-dip mashed potatoes and canned green beans. Topped with a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and Corn Nut salsa verde.
Sliced Hostess Sno Balls with ice cream, drizzled with a Red Bull reduction and garnished with Airheads florets.
Deconstructed Klondike bar with Captain Morgan’s syrup, bias-cut Rolo caramels (salted, of course). Topped with PayDay shavings.
Pepto Bismol
