The future is here, and it looks like getting to charge someone crypto cash for sending spam mail.
Let me explain. Recently, I sent out a MailChimp newsletter for one of my many jobs and, as always, received several emails back that were “undeliverable.” But one stood out. It informed me that because my email address wasn’t in this person’s contacts, I’d need to pay a fee in cryptocurrency in order to push it through.
It seemed like next-level spam filtering, calling out the sender on the actual importance of their content: “This is important to you? Cool, throw down some cash.”
I was stunned and inspired. If people are already charging for unknown emails to get into their inboxes, how much longer will it be until we can charge for other day-to-day nuisances via cryptocurrencies?
I don’t usually say this, but all right, Silicon Valley, I’m in. While we’re at it, here are a few daily annoyances I’ve experienced in the Bay Area that I will be charging for when the time comes.
Manspreading
BART is already packed tight, and there is already a long list of public annoyances that we inflict on each other in that little metal tube. Things like leaving backpacks on, trying to make small talk with women wearing headphones or clipping your toenails make the ride that much longer. So we sure as hell don’t need you sitting like your balls are comparable to ostrich eggs. You can push your knees a little closer together and make some room for the rest of us who don’t spend every waking moment expecting the world to bend to our needs.
Charge: $300
Open-Mouth Chewing in a Work Environment
I don’t care what you eat at your desk next to me — dim sum, shrimp curry, burritos, PB&J or Soylent. Just close your mouth while you do it. If you insist on smacking your afternoon sustenance between your lips at a volume usually reserved for ASMR videos, then the least you can do is cover the cost of the lunch that I’m losing.
Charge: $25
Wearing a Shirt with the Word “Innovate” on It
We’ve done it. We’ve used a word so frequently and in so many wrong iterations that it no longer means anything. Any company whose website claims to offer “innovative solutions” or has “innovative teams” or sends their employees out into the world with a logo-ed T-shirt that simply reads, “Innovate,” across the back officially doesn’t do anything.
Charge: $40
Yelling about How You’ve Never Seen a Line Like This
Yes, you have. It’s the Bay, bro. This is what we do. Your date isn’t impressed by your hollering, and the 12 people standing behind you for this ramen shop are straight up annoyed. Stop yelling and just go to the end of the line.
Charge: $100
People Who Hold Spots in Line
While we’re here, let’s talk about that other great queuing faux-pas — the people “holding a spot.” I spent 45 minutes waiting for my ice cream, and you’re cutting like you’re in grade school. And the potential for this rudeness makes my shoulders hunch and my teeth grate, and the “I Wanna Speak to Your Manager” version of myself come splitting out of the seams in my skin like so many B-horror-movie reels.But, like, it’s really not actually a big deal. So $15 should cover it.
Charge: $15
Using “Heyy, What’s Up?” as Your Opening Line on a Dating App
We both know why you put an extra “y” in there, and it isn’t going to work. And the answer to “What’s up?” is always going to be the same: “my anxiety levels.”
Charge: $55
Saying “Living the Dream” or “Another Day in Paradise,” in Response to “How’s It Going?”
You’re not. It’s not. Cover your existential dread like the rest of us, and reply with “fine, great, or good.”
Charge: $5
Talking over Other People in a Meeting
We all learned in elementary school to take turns when speaking. But somehow, our journey into the adult world erased some folks’ internal mechanism that gauges when it’s an appropriate time to speak. Sparing you the diatribe about systematic and learned privileges in the workplace, I’ll just say that talking over other people in meetings is simply rude. And according to my mother, “Rudeness is right up there with murder.”
Charge: $240
Playing Music on Public Transit without Headphones
If you aren’t going to spend the money to replace your headphones, then you can just give it to me.
Charge: $13.95
Bringing a Guitar to a Party
None of us wants to listen to you fumble your way through Interpol covers. Pay the fee and drink minimum for an open mic like everyone else who’s learned guitar on YouTube. If you can’t be bothered to find an amateur night and insist on torturing everyone at this informal get-together, then the least you can do is fund our drinking habit.
Charge: $68
Being a Magician. Full Stop
Even Harrison Ford told David Blaine to get the fuck out of his house. If you’re going to insist on being in mine and doing card tricks, then you gotta pay me for the right.
Charge: $45
Hey! The Bold Italic recently launched a podcast, This Is Your Life in Silicon Valley. Check out the full season or listen to the episode below featuring Alexia Tsotsis, former co-editor of TechCrunch. More coming soon, so stay tuned!
