I live south of AT&T Park in a neighborhood full of newly constructed apartment buildings. It’s a pleasant area with clean, well-paved sidewalks; manicured urban gardens; bike-share stations; and baby strollers. Joe & The Juice is coming soon—we’re all very excited.
Other than the odd fecal projectile and bicycle theft, there is very little street crime to speak of. But if the posts on Nextdoor.com are to be believed, the channel moat that separates fortress Mission Bay from greater SOMA has not completely insulated us from San Francisco’s criminal underworld. It appears we suffer from a rash of break-ins and burglaries. Most of these atrocities are committed by stealthy intruders who follow residents into restricted-access apartment buildings that are too poor to afford a full-time sentry to properly investigate every entrant’s credentials.
This intolerable scourge leads to repeated warnings from concerned neighbors that we must never do what most of us regard as a reflex courtesy: hold the door open for someone walking in behind us.
If the person in your wake is known to you, let them in. Do or don’t exchange pleasantries—that’s up to you.
But there’s more! We are instructed that it is our duty to interrogate anyone attempting to slip in behind us. If we’re unsatisfied with that person’s representations, we must obstruct entry. This is no easy feat for the docile worker bees and nonconfrontational newcomers who live here! And it’s evermore delicate because nobody wants to make the wrong move, giving permanent offense to a neighbor by implying that he or she does not belong or is suspicious for some reason.
What is called for is a split-second decision that carefully balances genuine security interests with basic human courtesy. Having considered the matter in some depth, I’d like to offer the following guidance.
First, the easy calls. If the person in your wake is known to you, let them in. Do or don’t exchange pleasantries—that’s up to you. If between you there is an unspoken hostility of the type that will sometimes develop in the natural proximity of urban living, you might try to pretend that you don’t see him or her. This is good practice for when you encounter a harder case.
This is your moment of truth. The entire Skyfuck community is counting on you. Fob yourself in and firmly pull the door closed.
If your straggler is unknown to you, look for signs of poshness—a self-satisfied aura, a quizzical middle-distance stare past you, feigned indifference to one’s surroundings. Contrast the heavy hoof beat of your middle-class gait with the airy glide of a runway model carried by gossamer wings. Is she holding a Whole Foods tote bag and yoga mat? Is he wearing formal business attire? If yes, rest easy. People with money are unlikely to rob you — not by force, and not in person. They may, however, use a derivative, variable-interest-rate loan or direct-sales pyramid scheme.
Occasionally, you will find a loiterer waiting outside your building. If he means you no harm, he will come in one of two flavors: invited guest awaiting his host or peasant vendor. It will be easy to tell the two apart—that is, unless he is a drug dealer, who is neither friend nor vendor yet may fancy himself both and act like either. In any event, pay them no mind. If they are polite, they will stand at such a remove from the entrance so as to demonstrably pose no threat of slipping in behind you while the door is ajar.
In the event that you have determined, for whatever reason, that you can’t let the person in, evasive maneuvers may be necessary. A hundred yards or so from your entrance, contrive a reason to stop walking. Fiddle with your phone, tie your shoes, fix a wedgie or light a smoke. Continue walking only when the person previously behind you is now of sufficient distance that he needn’t worry about inadvertently letting you in. To do otherwise would rudely make your burden his, causing him to cascade down the same decision tree you just escaped — with even less notice to consider his options. If both of you are on your game, an endless loop of jockeying for second will follow, amounting to an aggressive street performance of dilatory lace-tying, wedgie-fixing, phone-checking and chain-smoking.
For the wealthy sloth whose Uber chariot has delivered her directly to the doorstep of Skyfuck Tower South, only to find some lurking Visigoth with an Oakland A’s cap who is clearly in the wrong place, take heed of my words: your high-priced education is no substitute for preparation! Buy some time by palavering with your driver using the fifth-grade Spanish you’re always so keen to show off. If the loiterer hasn’t pissed off nor entered the building yet, confrontation is unavoidable.
This is your moment of truth. The entire Skyfuck community is counting on you. Fob yourself in and firmly pull the door closed. If your tail manages to somehow slither in behind you, do your duty. Politely ask him if he lives in the building. Likely, he will knowingly reply in the affirmative, showing his key and thanking you for your concern. You may strike up a nice rapport, a pleasant reward for your attentiveness.
On the other hand, he may get his hackles up. “Who the hell are you, after I return from a long day of 1s and 0s, to subject me to this gestapo-like inquisition? Are you the sheriff of Skyfuck?” Never mind his scorn. Satisfy yourself in the knowledge that you have done the right thing. God is watching, and you will be rewarded in the afterlife.
A lot to process? City living isn’t easy, my friend, but it’s the life we’ve chosen! Until you’ve scraped together enough for the down payment on that single-family home in the hills, you’re going to have to navigate these and other daily stresses. Hopefully, this acquired wisdom, properly deployed, will spare you some small measure of awkward unpleasantness.
Hey! The Bold Italic recently launched a podcast, This Is Your Life in Silicon Valley. Check out the full season or listen to the episode below featuring Jessica Alter, founder of Tech for Campaigns. More coming soon, so stay tuned!
