It’s holiday-party season. For some people, this is when they shine — socialites really get to strut their stuff and mingle like it’s a sport. For others, especially in San Francisco, holiday parties strike irrational social anxiety, and for good reason. A lot of people suck at socializing these days. Whether you’re at a work event, a family soirée, a friend-of-a-friend’s party, here’s a do’s-and-don’ts guide for surviving the season.
Getting Ready
Do
Have a drink and loosen up. Shaking hands and introducing yourself doesn’t need to be a purely sober experience. Take full, responsible advantage of performance-enhancing drugs.
Don’t
Eat an entire meal before the soirée. It will slow you down at a time when you need to be quick with words and movement (e.g., dancing—yes, dancing).
Oh God, Don’t
Finish eating drive-through fast food at the party that you picked up on the way.
Arriving at the Party
Do
Arrive fashionably late; it allows others to soften the beaches. Don’t be the first person there admiring the Christmas tree.
Don’t
Arrive two hours late. That’s not fashionably late; that’s just being an asshole. You’ve also lost critical time needed to form alliances with other people who don’t want to be there.
Oh God, Don’t
Show up two hours late with five friends who weren’t invited. Not only are you crashing the party at that time, but also you’ve brought a pack of hyenas ready to eat, drink or flirt the with everything there.
Feet!
Do
Ask where you can leave your shoes. This is a sneaky way to prove that you care more than other people at the party.
Don’t
Wear shoes specifically designed for outdoor activity. Unless you’re in an environment with a mud room (e.g., the mountains), there’s no reason to wear hiking shoes to an indoor social gathering. Just buy some Vans or something.
Oh God, Don’t
Walk around the party barefoot. Unless you’ve modeled them piggies, no one wants to look at your toes.
Dressing to Impress
Do
Dress like you’ve shopped for yourself in your adult life. This means following the basics of fashion. Never mix patterns; always iron your shirt; remove stains; and leave the fedora at home.
Don’t
Don’t bring your knapsack from work. The fact that you’re 37 and wearing a zip-up hoodie to an adult function is bad enough. Sure, it’s cool to not care about what others think in terms of outward appearance, but it’s even cooler to dress appropriately and not have people think anything about you. Your anxieties are right—they are thinking about you all the time.
Oh God Don’t
Wear one of those themed light-up sweaters. If your clothing has to charge before use, you’ve drawn too much attention to yourself.
Mingling
Do
Find the host, thank them and ask how to help. No one will ever actually start bossing you around, but they will remember the nice person who gave a shit about trashing their apartment.
Don’t
Talk all about yourself. Remember to ask people questions. Trust me—we know you’re smart, rich, went to Burning Man and plan to make a #VanLife account using a souped-up Sprinter, but it’s not going to get you laid tonight.
Oh God, Don’t
Corner people and yell at them about your conspiracy theories.
Socializing
Do
Introduce people who do not know each other. If you don’t know anyone, introduce yourself to an excessive amount. Better to do it twice and be remembered more than someone who sat in the corner all night.
Don’t
Look at your phone the whole evening. If you need to text or make a call, or if you cannot bear being in a room full of strangers, find a bathroom and take a couple of deep breaths. Then start drinking a lot. It’s much easier to stay off your phone when you’re drunk.
Oh God, Don’t
Constantly ask what address the party is taking place at. You’re clearly inviting more people, and no one asked you to.
Music
Do
Request a song from whoever is controlling the music. It shows others a bit about yourself while making you seem polite for asking.
Don’t
Hijack the aux cord. The moment you let someone take control of the aux, the terrorists have won.
Oh God, Don’t
Decide it’s a good time to find a guitar and force people to listen to your acoustic ska version of “Wonderwall.”
Plus-Ones
Do
Bring a plus-one. You can deflect many conversations by simply introducing that person to your coworkers or relatives. If you are that plus-one, all you need is a tight introduction and a short quip about how you met the person who invited you. Then you fake-laugh, take a sip of your drink, whisper something to your significant other and walk away — quite possibly the oldest move in the book when trying to avoid small talk.
Don’t
Invite someone you want to date to a holiday party. At these events, you must either be dating that person or have a symbiotically platonic friendship. Making moves in front of your coworkers or family should be illegal at holiday parties.
Oh God, Don’t
Bring an escort. If you’re a soft five bringing a hard nine to a function, people will guess the situation.
Imbibing
Do
Get drunk. I honestly don’t know how to have fun sober.
Don’t
Be the drunkest person at the party. There will always be one, and all the blame will land on him or her. The second most drunk person? No one ever remembers.
Oh God, Don’t
Leave too soon. Ideally, you’ll stay just long enough to watch it start to get weird; then you can leave feeling like an absentee parent walking up the stairs of a basement at a sleepover where the kids had way too much candy. Plus, being the first one to leave makes it seem like you never wanted to be there.
Drugs
Do
Have a cigarette or hit of a joint. It’s fun to sneak away and act naughty. It also creates a bond with your partner in crime, one whom you must take to the grave. Not really, but it is a good way to meet someone new.
Don’t
Suck on your Juul the whole time. You’ll look like a toddler sucking on its thumb.
Oh God, Don’t
Smoke crack. I feel like I shouldn’t have to mention it, but this one is for the children out there reading this. Don’t smoke crack at your office party or family gathering!
Leaving the Party
Do
Stay long enough to have met most people, especially those hosting. Irish exits are perfect for a crowded bar but severely antisocial when you’re at a small gathering.
Don’t
Be in the last group of people at the party. That’s for people hooking up or friends visiting from out of town.
Oh God, Don’t
Fall asleep in a back bedroom or get forcibly removed from the bar or restaurant where the party is taking place. No matter how right you are at the end of the day, you’re always wrong in this moment.
Follow these tips to successfully not hate yourself the next day as you nurse a hangover. Consider it a victory if you’re in your own bed knowing your job or family inheritance weren’t risked. Happy holidays, everyone!
Hey! The Bold Italic recently launched a podcast, This Is Your Life in Silicon Valley. Check out the full season or listen to the episode below featuring Hunter Walk, investor and former head of product at YouTube. More coming soon, so stay tuned!
