If you’re like me, your parents are too old and too fed up to host Thanksgiving this year and have passed the torch to you, with or without your full consent.
There are many ways to present this feast and an infinite variation of delectables you can put on the table. But if you have parents who insist on turkey and you have a great disdain for cooking one, gaslighting your parents into believing you cooked a full-course Thanksgiving meal may be your only option. Get the entire meal pre-made from either a grocery store or restaurant and embark on a series of lies so deep you’ll believe it yourself by the end of the day.
The first step in your gaslighting endeavor is to create physical evidence to support your baseless claim. Before your guests even arrive, you must set the stage. The pre-made food, which you either had delivered or picked up, must be removed from its packaging, placed in cooking receptacles, and any evidence of its origin removed from your apartment. You can distract your guests with appetizers and drinks while you pantomime a stressed-out chef in the kitchen.
Thanksgiving cheap realness.
Turn them away from offering any assistance by handing them a cheese board, which will blind them to the state of your tableau. Bubbling pots on the stove, a turkey in the oven, and even a little burning smell will sell the idea that cooking has — and is — happening here.
The kitchen should be appropriately staged. It has to look like many hours of cooking have taken place. A great way to do this is simply to avoid doing your dishes from the previous day — or even several days, if you can stand the mess. If you really want to sell the fantasy, keep around garbage that may have housed believable ingredients, such as several little produce bags, empty cans of pantry staples, and an open bottle of red wine that you definitely used to dress the turkey. Dirty some utensils on the food as if they’ve been your stalwart companions during the process of creation. The ruse may backfire if you’re known to be highly organized and neat.
Consider what your loved ones think of you. Do they believe you’re a good cook? Maybe you’re mediocre and still learning? The meal should reflect your reputation, lest they become suspicious when things don’t match up.
The time between your parents’ arrival and the food coming out should be short but not instantaneous. Turkeys take forever to cook — if you bring it out too quickly, they may comment on how early you must have gotten up and probe you about your day. Be ready to improvise answers or craft a plausible cooking schedule. Writing it out and leaving it somewhere visible is another great piece of physical evidence of your labor. Allow 30 to 45 minutes for them to enjoy pre-meal snacks.
If they drink, push the wine and get them comfortably tipsy and in good spirits by the time they sit down. A beautiful table is another great way to distract them from talking about the food. It’s easier to lie to people who are in a good mood — soft lighting and pleasant dining room jazz will enhance the experience.
Once everyone is seated and ready, the bulk of the gaslighting begins. As you bring out the food, describe each dish like a proud mother or Hannibal Lecter at a dinner party. You cooked it, after all — you should know what kind of potatoes the mash is. Accept compliments with grace and dignity while reinforcing the idea that you did, in fact, cook all of it. It’s important not to oversell your lie.
Misdirection and subtle confidence are more effective than intense insistence. Your co-conspirators must be on the same page and will be key in reaffirming the story. Friends can pay you compliments on your work and praise your parents for raising such a capable and talented child. They can also help steer the conversation away from your cooking skills — too much focus will invite scrutiny.
Keep track of your lies; consistency is your friend. You might even want to avoid alcohol if you’re not a skilled liar. The falsehoods will stack up quickly, so keep things believable. Say things like, “Wow, I feel so accomplished,” or “I actually enjoyed this undertaking.” Likewise, if the meal is bad, you can say, “Well, maybe I’ll do things differently next year,” or even better, “I think my sister should cook next time instead.” The quality of the meal can be whatever best suits your needs, but be adaptable based on your parents’ reactions.
One thing to keep in mind is how big of a con you can manage. If you’re unused to lying or don’t have the energy, you may want to keep it simple. Order in just the pre-made turkey and cook all the sides — you’ll only have to keep track of one thing, and your messy kitchen will be realistic. If you get a fancy turkey, you can spend more time elevating the side dishes to match. Beware of ordering a bird from somewhere too recognizable; the Cajun turkey from KFC or Popeyes might be a dead giveaway.
If you successfully gaslight your parents into thinking you cooked the whole meal, we encourage you to document your triumph and contact us right away to better inform future articles on how to lie to your parents.
You have to break out your most engaging and witty personality at the table. Stick to your guns — gaslighting is about insisting on the lie. Your targets must not sense any doubt in you. If your parents are not prone to criticism, all the better. Pair that with a complete lack of moral conflict over lying to your guests, and you have a real chance of pulling it off. The entire ruse must be flawless — equal to a Broadway production in terms of timing and performance.
Everyone at your table, whether in on the joke or not, will appreciate the complete meal in front of them and you, the dazzling host. If this all sounds like too much work, you may just have to cook the meal. And if you want to succeed where I did not, don’t have your parents pay for and pick up the meal before coming to your house.
T. Von D. is a local museum worker and lesbian.
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