By Jessica Lanyadoo
Hi Jessica,
My boyfriend is in his early 20s and a bit younger than me, but doesn’t have a career path. He’s smart, capable, and has a diverse range of talents — I believe he could do anything if he applies himself. However, when he tries something out and it doesn’t manifest, he gets discouraged easily and questions his abilities. I’m established in my career and recently received a promotion. I’m also always busying myself with some side business or another in anticipation of having my own business one day. I rarely question my ability and know that if I put my mind to it, I can do anything. My question is: How do I support him through his current directionless career searching / self-taught cycle that he’s going through? Our experiences are so different. My fear is that I’m getting in too deep with someone who lacks ambition or is going to rely on me to support us financially into the future. But, I don’t know if this is the reality of this situation, or just a symptom of growing up and self-searching. — Ambitious
What a great question and an uncomfortable predicament! You didn’t really tell me anything about him, or about you, though. Is this guy absolutely perfect for you in every way? Are you in a place in your life where you’re ready to settle down and the only thing standing in your way is this guy’s lack of get-it-togetherness? The early 20s are the perfect time to not know what you’re doing, Ambitious; you’re no longer a teenager, but just barely so. It’s perfectly reasonable to be unsure about what you’re going to do with the rest of your life at that age. Trial and error teaches so many of us how to live and what we truly want. If there’s a time in life to not have a plan, play, and fuck off a bit, this is it.
Unless you’re fixin’ to get shacked up with him, I encourage you to figure out why his job and income matters so much to you. Is this about what your friends will think, or about some kind of check-off list? So many driven people need a partner who knows how to prioritize the emotional or creative sides of life.
It sounds like at his age you knew what you wanted to do, Ambitious, and were taking active steps to do it — and that’s freaking awesome. It’s reasonable for you to want a guy to partner with that’s got it together, but I wonder why it’s so important to you. Are you really only concerned that you will have to pay his way through life? ’Cause there’s an easy fix to that: don’t do it. It’s on you to make space for your many goals and interests, and to impose healthy limits on how much you’re willing to finance your relationship. Unless you’re fixin’ to get shacked up with him, I encourage you to figure out why his job and income matters so much to you. Is this about what your friends will think, or about some kind of check-off list? So many driven people need a partner who knows how to prioritize the emotional or creative sides of life. If you date someone who’s making the same money as you, you’ll be able to afford a nicer car or better house quicker, but is that what will make you happy now? Is it what you need in your damn twenties? Sometimes a hand needs to date a glove because when a hand dates a hand it can be pretty self-congratulatory (if you know what I mean), and not necessarily right.
You’re only young once, Ambitious, so don’t let your goals compel you to take on a 40-year-old’s problems when you’re not even 30. If a guy in his early 20s doesn’t know what he’s going to do with the rest of his life you don’t need to support him — you just need to give him space to figure it out. Getting discouraged is normal and not a sign of a lifetime of failure, or even of being a slacker. People are not problems to fix or puzzles to solve. If this dude is sweet, supportive, loving, and kind, then cut him some slack. If you can’t do that then you shouldn’t be dating him at all, my friend.
XO,
Jessica
The Mission’s resident advisor gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with all kinds of relationship issues. So we asked Jessica if she’d come on board to do a weekly advice column, Truth Talk, for The Bold Italic. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, you can post your question anonymously here or email her at truthtalkwithjessica@gmail.com, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.
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