By Ann-Marie AlcĚÁntara

Like any city, San Francisco has quirks you either learn to love or try really hard to love but end up hating anyway. Whether you’ve lived here your whole life or just a few months, there are definitely some things in this town you’d never want to try again (and, okay, some stuff you would).

Here are a few lessons I’ve learned during my short time in SF. Call me a transplant if you want, but tell me in the comments whether or not I nailed key San Francisco do’s and don’ts.

1. Don’t ever live in the Presidio unless you want to pay more in Uber fares than in rent.

Yeah, it’s pretty and you’re all up in nature’s face, but attempting to get to the Presidio at any time of day is a goddamn nightmare from Elm Street. Oh, and good luck convincing your friends to visit — they never will unless you’re knocking on heaven’s door. (That’s not a euphemism either; you literally have to be on your deathbed before someone will haul their ass out there).

2. Do download a rideshare app, because trying to hail a taxi is a big joke and you’re the punchline.

During my first two months here I tried very hard to avoid rideshares. Considering I lived in the Presidio, I’m still amazed I managed to get by just using taxis. It required a lot of loitering on the street, a lot of desperate eye contact, a lot of heartbreak each time a cab whizzed by without even slowing.

3. Don’t attempt to get anywhere on time using Muni.

Muni might as well post a sign on the door that says, “Good luck, asshole.”

4. Don’t go up Twin Peaks with a visitor from out of town when Grand View Park is so much better.

Yes, it’s iconic, but Twin Peaks is also seriously clusterf*cked, hard to get to, and super windy. Over at Grand View Park, you get similar views (including one of Twin Peaks), while gazing at the ocean and parts of San Francisco you don’t normally get to see.

5. Do plan to meet people outside of tech.

Tech may be the Marcia Brady of SF industries, but it’s not exactly easy to make smalltalk about. If your job doesn’t involve being a software engineer, get ready to field lots of questions about how, say, words work. Of course, writing for a living puzzles a lot of people, but I’ve encountered my share of cringe-inducing comments that compare writing to taking a standardized test. Easier said than done, friends.

6. Don’t go out in the Mission without cash on hand to pay cover — and buy hot dogs.

You’d think that bars in a city that loves Square and is a breeding ground for apps would accept your debit card. You’d be wrong. Come with old-fashioned cash money or pony up for that $3 ATM fee.

7. Don’t think you won’t stand in line at any given point for any type of activity.

If you think the only line you’ll ever wait in is the one in Safeway, think again. You, too, will someday wait for ice cream and ramen and pastries and oysters and burritos and alcohol and falafel and public toilets and…

8. Don’t take the 91 (or really any late-night Muni bus).

You tell yourself that paying $2.25 for Muni is a better deal than paying for a taxi or rideshare — until you board the house of horrors that is the night owl bus. On the upside, where else can you buy weed, listen to gospel music, and watch a live-action softcore porn all at once?

9. Do hope that your exes don’t run in the same circles as you (or, actually, the same circle).

They do run in the same circles as you, they will frequent your favorite brunch spot and dive bar, and you will make peace with it. We’re all adults here.

10. Don’t believe that a cheap good dinner will ever be under $10.

Burritos can come in under $10, but a super burrito with chips will set you back at least $12. Oh, and if you’re trying to go healthy, that salad with just tomatoes and avocado will be $10. A $4 Vietnamese sandwich looks better and better.

Top photo courtesy of Eugene Kim/Flickr.

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