By Jessica Lanyadoo
Hi Jessica,
This may sound like a ridiculous question, but I am asking it seriously. I love my boyfriend, and we have a really great relationship, but we keep having the same ridiculous fight over and over again and it’s driving both of us crazy. Here’s the deal: he farts all the time, and I am disgusted by it. We live together, and he’s constantly letting ’em rip. I’ve asked him to go into the bathroom to cut the cheese and he comes back with the fact that I shouldn’t fart shame him. I’ve never had a boyfriend who was so gassy, and if they were, they politely went into another room. This gets into deeper issues I know of acceptance and control and respect. I don’t like telling him what to do, but I also don’t like being in rooms full of farts. So at the risk of asking a ridiculous question with serious undertones, where do we go from here? — Gas Masker
Everybody toots, GM, but your boyfriend sounds a bit out of control. I have never heard of ‘fart shaming’ but let me make this clear: when people talk of things like ‘slut shaming,’ they are talking about how there is not only a personal, but also a systematic oppression that they are suffering from. There is no such thing as ‘fart shaming.’ If you were motivating him to be more respectful of your olfactory senses through the fine art of shaming, that would be one thing, but as you astutely noted, this is more about control and respect than anything else.
You must both compromise. If he’s unwilling to meet you in the middle, you may have to accept that he isn’t a guy who’s invested in your comfort or in keepin’ it sexy in the home.
It doesn’t sound like he has a medical condition that makes him gassy, and that is an important point. If the issue was that he cannot control his farts, that would be one thing, but what I’m reading here is that he doesn’t feel obliged to try in your presence, which just stinks (I couldn’t resist). It’s fair that you don’t wanna tell him what to do, but where is the line between telling a person what you need and controlling their behavior? Ultimately, only you can decide how important this is to you. While cutting the cheese now and again is a human thing that shouldn’t be judged, farting as frequently as you describe is different and certainly a huge turn-off. I can’t imagine how this wouldn’t affect your sex life, GM, and that’s only in part because he smells bad. He’s not taking your feelings seriously, and that’s a real-deal lady bonerkiller.
So here’s a three-step action plan. First, agree that you two are each other’s MVP. You are on the same team and striving for the same goal in healing this rift. Secondly, you need to agree about what the real problem is; if you can’t agree on what the trouble is you’ll never find a satisfactory solution. And finally, you must both compromise. Neither of you should have more rights to air quality or comfort at home, but you both clearly need to give a little for the sake of peace. If he’s unwilling to meet you in the middle, you may have to accept that he isn’t a guy who’s invested in your comfort or in keepin’ it sexy in the home. Short of running far, far away from his offending buns, there’s not much you can do other than buy him probiotics and accept that your boyfriend is kinda shitty.
XO,
Jessica
The Mission’s resident advisor gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with all kinds of relationship issues. So we asked Jessica if she’d come on board to do a weekly advice column, Truth Talk, for The Bold Italic. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, you can post your question anonymously here or email her at truthtalkwithjessica@gmail.com, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.
