By Jessica Lanyadoo
Hi Jessica,
My boyfriend and I have a bit of a tumultuous relationship. He bought me a (non-engagement) ring after we’d been together about 10 weeks, and we’ve gone through two iterations of living together in just over a year. We talk long-term: we have a five-year plan to travel the country together.
Here’s the thing: he’s got this “best friend” who’s a woman. They’re in a band together, and they perform together as a duo. In their duo it’s all about unrequited love … and in their band she strips and gyrates on/for him while he and another musician play.
She’s also mean to me, although we were friends before he and I started seeing each other. And she’s married, though poly.
Once, several months ago, she got rip-roaring (falling over) drunk at one of their shows, was hanging all over him and got handsy. I pulled him out of the club and told him I wasn’t ok with how she was treating him, and he told me it was perfectly fine for him to look after his drunk best friend.
Later that night I questioned their friendship … and dear boyfriend said, “Yes, we love each other … but she’s poly, and I’m too jealous to handle it. We can’t let anything happen because we both know we’d screw it up.”
WTF am I supposed to do here? — Signed, Not a (Second) Fiddler
There are so many problems here that I almost don’t know where to start; you mention that you have a tumultuous relationship with your BF and I can only assume it’s for more reasons than just this girl. It’s awesome that you love this guy and talk long-term with him, but rings and romantic plans do not a happy union make. You need trust to make a healthy relationship last.
I encourage you to set the boundary that your partner respect your feelings and needs around this humpy friendship. Unlike a previous questioner, you have a situation here where sustained sexual interest has been expressed between your beau and his friend. If your BF doesn’t take concrete steps to make sure you feel prioritized, then, based on what you’ve told me, there’s no reason for you to trust him. Take ownership of your own choices NASF; if you stay with a guy who doesn’t respect your boundaries that’s your choice to live with, and it’ll come with a heap of consequences.
Don’t get it twisted; this is not about the other woman. She can be a bitch who tries to hump on your BF while singing about lost love, because she’s not your date and she doesn’t owe you a damn thing. He does.
There’s not much mystery here; your boyfriend has pretty much told you point blank that he has feelings and boners for his friend, and that he’s not with her because he doesn’t want to share her (yuck). They’re friends, sure, but this friendship ain’t platonic. This guy is too jealous to be poly, but not so monogamous as to treat you as he’d want to be treated. His behavior isn’t considerate, and I can’t shake the feeling that he’s not great at prioritizing your feelings in general. He’s been straightforward with you about his feelings for this band mate though, and girl, you need to listen to that.
Don’t get it twisted; this is not about the other woman. She can be a bitch who tries to hump on your BF while singing about lost love, because she’s not your date and she doesn’t owe you a damn thing. He does. It’s on him to be emotionally and sexually monogamous to you (assuming that’s your agreement). It’s his responsibility to make sure that you feel safe, loved, and prioritized in your relationship, and if he fails to do that you’ve gotta deal head-on with that mishegas. So accept him for who he is proving himself to be. That doesn’t mean you need to deal with his shit, or stay with him at all, but if he proves himself to be a guy who pines over his friend and is keeping you around as some sort of filler, you need to respect your own self enough to bounce, STAT. Once a person reveals himself to you it’s your job to listen, NASF. Good luck!
XO,
Jessica
The Mission’s resident advisor gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with all kinds of relationship issues. So we asked Jessica if she’d come on board to do a weekly advice column, Truth Talk, for The Bold Italic. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, you can post your question anonymously here or email her at truthtalkwithjessica@gmail.com, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.
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