By Sierra Hartman
Update: Dear Internet, in a previous version of this article, I outed myself as woefully ignorant of an important aspect of bike lockage. Despite my original statements, locking the rear wheel through the triangle is a totally legitimate way to secure your bike. You are all absolutely right and I was wrong. Sorry for the confusion.
There are two types of people in San Francisco: those who have had a bike stolen and those who have never owned one. It’s a sad fact of city life that often the owners of these two wheeled thief magnets are setting themselves up for failure. That’s right, you’re about to see some hardcore bike lock shaming.
If you look through these photos and realize, “Hey, that’s how I lock my bike! OMG WTF BBQ?!” You best go outside and fix your situation before you end up walking home like a sad bastard holding a now pointless bicycle helmet. I’ve sorted these photos into categories but, like all forms of blissful ignorance, there are endless ways to be wrong. If you’ve seen some creatively poor lock jobs, tell us about it in the comments below.
The Bike-To-Bike Locker
I just … I don’t even know what’s going on here. Cables are kinda useless even when used properly but this is just absurd. A stiff breeze could’ve stolen these bikes. And the fancy fixie twins; you had two locks and this is the best you could come up with?! Furthermore, this might be the least subtle bicycle on Valencia St. Are you trying to give bike thieves a two-for-one deal?
The Front Wheel Locker
Unlike the highly recommended rear triangle method, securing only your front wheel is guaranteed bad news. If you have security skewers that are impossible to remove without a special key, you’ll probably be ok. If you’re using the regular old nuts on the hub though, your bike is only a quick wrench away from the 13th Street chop shop. The San Francisco Bicycle Coalition has a great list of better ways to keep your bike in one piece.
The Probably Drunk/High Locker
When you see something like this in a city known for rampant bike theft, there’s really only one reaction. It would almost be better to just leave your bike totally unlocked because then someone might assume you were somewhere nearby keeping an eye on it. I’ve seen bikes secured with the beefiest U-locks money can buy on parking meter poles with no meter on top. You can use the thickest 40 lb. chain on the block but if you wrap it around a 4" landscaping tree trunk, your only accomplishment is slightly inconveniencing a bike thief.
P.S. Before you all lose your shit about how insensitive I am in posting these photos, know that I left notes whenever possible to warn people about their security indiscretions. And before you lose your shit about that, I tried to make the notes inconspicuous so they didn’t act as obvious, “COME STEAL ME” signs.
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