By Tony Bravo
When most of us hear the term “snob” we picture the country club villain from a John Hughes movie: clenched jaw, an air of preppy entitlement, and a quality of self-superiority to everyone around them. Here in San Francisco there are as many different kinds of snobs as flavors at Humphry Slocombe (or Bi-Rite or Mitchell’s or Swensen’s, depending on which direction your ice cream snobbery points). Here’s a guide to the different genera of snobs one may encounter out and about in our fair city, with some helpful tips on where they congregate — in case you ever want to see them in their natural habitats.
The Leftist Snob
Let’s start with one of San Francisco’s more common snobs: the leftist-noseus-in-the-airus. You’ll know you’ve encountered a leftist snob when they sniff and proclaim, “I’ve never voted for anyone but a third-party candidate.” (The only appropriate response to this is “congratulations” in case you find yourself grasping.) These snobs accuse President Obama of being the next incarnation of Jesse Helms, rally against Senators Feinstein, Boxer, and Minority Leader Pelosi as an unholy trinity of Thatcheresque evil (for the record, I’ve met all three and they’re nothing like old Iron Lady Mags), and never admit that there is any difference whatsoever between the two big political parties.
Natural Habitats
Anarchist bookshops and fairs, “Occupy” occupations (there’s still a few stragglers), campaigning door-to-door for Cindy Sheehan.
The Gay Snob
Sooner or later all San Franciscans encounter a homo-onlyous, or the conventional gay snob. They live in gay neighborhoods (it’s San Francisco, don’t we all?), go to gay bars only after they’ve seen a gay film or a gay play, eat at gay restaurants, and refuse to patronize anything but gay businesses all-the-live-long-gay. You can identify the gay snob because they lack one of the best traits that the LGBT community has developed to cope with homophobia: a sense of humor.
Natural Habitats
Obviously the Castro, but they’ll occasionally venture as far as Market and Octavia for lectures on gay nationalism at The Center. Also, there’s usually at least one group seated at Starbelly.
The Organic Snob
You know that person you’ve seen interrogating the vendors at a farmers’
market within an inch of their lives about the exact origin of their seeds?
That’s a strictly-organicus, or an organic snob. No one likes hormone-loaded
livestock, pesticides, or GMOs, but these snobs take it a step further by
putting everything they eat under a microscope so severe even Alice Waters
thinks they can calm it down a little. If you want a real treat, go to a
restaurant with an organic snob and watch the server’s expression change
to one of horror as he slowly realizes he’s talking to someone beyond the
bounds of a conventional foodie.
Natural Habitats
Community gardens tending their heritage chard, Rainbow Grocery, and
poo-pooing everything at the Ferry Building for not being organic enough.
The Old San Francisco Snob
“San Francisco was so much better back when…” are usually the first
words you’ll hear out of an oldus-I’ve-been-here-longer-than-youinski,
or old San Francisco snob. We all occasionally have our nostalgic twinges
when a favorite hole-in-the-wall becomes another trendy but bland
establishment, or shake our heads when newbies don’t know what a
neighborhood was like pre-gentrification — but come on, you can’t shame
people for when and where they were born. Old San Francisco snobs
usually have great stories but you have to sit through a lot of complaining
to get to them.
Natural Habitats
“I don’t go out anymore; all the places I used to go keep getting priced out.
Okay, sometimes I’ll go to that bar on the corner for a beer, but only
because they don’t serve that new micro-brew crap.”
The Tech Snob
A lot has been said about San Francisco tech culture but few have noted the existence of the techtus-become-one-of-ustopolis, or tech snob. Not everyone in the tech industry is a tech snob (I heart my Gaygler pals!) but when you encounter one you immediately know. They rarely look directly at you, they usually just glance up occasionally from their screens. Then there’s the confusion over paying for food. With so much snackage available to them for free at work, they sometimes forget that in the outside world the rest of us have to pay to eat. Conversation with a tech snob is usually limited but they speak code with total native fluency.
Natural Habitats
Anywhere with coffee and Wi-Fi, SOMA start-ups, shuttle bus pickup stops.
The Pot Snob
Have you ever been to a party and after taking his turn in the circle you hear someone exhale and say with disdain, “This is a rather inferior strain.”? That’s a stonerus-connoisseurus, or pot snob. They can list tons of different varieties of marijuana without even blinking (although they frequently forget their own date of birth) and think everyone else’s pot is ditch weed compared to their own. It’s never bad to have one of these snobs in your phonebook — you know, in case you have a “medical” emergency or your regular guy is out of town.
Natural Habitats
Growing fields in Humboldt for part of the year and pot clubs are an obvious place to find them, but usually they’re just melted into their couches.
The School Snob
“Go (fill in the mascot here)!” “(Fill in the school name) forever!” I’m as
proud of my education as the next guy but I’ve never understood what
exactly drives an alumnus-superiorliosis, or school snob to base so
much of their identity around that one experience. You can see them
coming at 50 paces in their school colors, cars plastered with “class of”
decals, and wardrobes that seem to consist of nothing but heavily
logoed gear from the campus bookstore. Sometimes, just to mess with
their heads, I tell them I didn’t go to college. I don’t know what’s better:
the look on their faces when they hear that or the look on their faces
when I say “Ha! Just kidding!” and they yell in baffled anger, “Why
would you ever joke about something that important?”
Natural Habitats
College or university clubs, alumni meet-ups, anywhere they think they’ll
find people who care where they went to school.
The Artisanal Snob
Everything the local-craftus-exclusivious owns was handmade blocks
away from where they live — which is great (who doesn’t like to
support a worthy local business?) — but they will NEVER let you hear
the end of it. I love local artisanal crafts, but seriously, they make
some lovely things in other places too. (Just don’t ever tell the artisanal
snob that.)
Natural Habitats
Anywhere you can watch people make their own
denim and there’s always one at any pop-up shop.
The “Old” Family SnoB
Believe it or not, even in San Francisco there are old family snobs. A cousin to the old San Francisco snob, the what’s-your-mother’s-maiden-namestoki has countless stories about how far back their family goes in San Francisco history and will list the accomplishments of illustrious ancestors whether you ask or not. Congratulations, but what have you done lately?
Natural Habitats
“I’ve never heard of your people, why would I tell you?”
The San Francisco Snob
You know the type, the why-would-I-live-anywhere-elsus loves this city with a passion that’s almost religious, but since they’re die-hard San Franciscans they’d prefer that you say they’re secular nondenominationally invested. While there may be some eye-rolling when bridge-and-tunnelers show up drunk at public celebrations and puke on the streets, they’re generally good natured and understand why out-of-towners love it here so much. The one exception is when anyone (besides a local, of course) dares to speak a word against the place they call home. Talking bad about San Francisco is like talking bad about their mama: those are fighting words.
Natural Habitats
We are everywhere.
Illustrated by Dan Bransfield
