By Molly Oleson
Scoring a room in San Francisco isn’t a day in Dolores Park. People from all corners of the world want to be in the city that has a knack for stealing hearts. If you’ve hunted for a room to rent here (and haven’t had the luxury of friends or family hooking you up with a sweet deal), chances are you’ve sent off countless emails, with fingers crossed, to strangers who are simultaneously receiving hundreds of other emails about the very same room. The Craigslist search for a room in the City by the Bay is a process that seems to require a combination of tactics used when applying for a job (“I’m very responsible and organized”), writing a dating profile (“I like to read, bike, and explore the city”), and pitching yourself as the world’s most considerate (“I’ve adjusted my shower schedule with joy in order to accommodate my roommates’ working schedules”) and fun (“I got the Death & Co cocktail book for Christmas, and I can make you the drinks from it”) co-inhabitant.
The search has gotten so competitive that I thank my lucky stars that I moved here years ago — early enough to be in a comfy role on the other end of the insanity: master tenant in a rent-controlled two-bedroom apartment. Recently, my roommate informed me that she’d be moving out and trading her highly desirable spot in our lovely city for a less permanent, traveling lifestyle. So I posted an ad on Craigslist, searching for someone to take her place. Within a week, I received more than 100 replies — everyone from artists (not many) to those in the tech sector (a lot — “Greetings from Google!”)
Many of the replies were short and generic, and they all began to blur together. Some of the applicants had realized that their situation had gotten so dire that perhaps they needed to do something — anything — to rise above their rivals, like tempt me with a plethora of items and actions.
The things that people were willing to say and do and provide to convince me to pick them as my housemate had me imagining a life of leisure, in which I didn’t have to worry about food, my appearance, entertainment, or the upkeep of the place because it would all be taken care of. Below I’ve compiled an illustrated list of 10 of their offerings, in their own words, which they presented in the hopes of finding a little place to call home.
“You will have access to my recipe box.”
“I’m pretty relaxed about roommates borrowing my car for errands or grocery shopping.”
“I can help maintain your garden if you have one.”
“I’m a pastry chef at a chocolate maker. I absolutely love my job and bring home treats for my roommates every day.”
“Fun fact: I also am a ceramicist and can contribute some homemade, wheel-thrown pieces to whatever household I join.”
“I love to clean the kitchen — my fav.”
“Will give free haircuts and color to roommates.”
“Since I am mechanically inclined, I can fix almost anything around the house.”
“I’m picking up a side project as a radio interviewer for a music blog, so I’ll probably be getting access to a lot of shows for free (wink, wink).”
“I’ll take great care of the place, help you if you ever need anything, and will bring you soup when you are sick.”
