Hi, Jessica.
I’m married with two young kids, and I’m queer and closeted. It doesn’t make sense — I live in the Bay Area, I have plenty of gay friends and family members, and there is no reason why I should be closeted, but I am. How do I come out? Do I break up my family because this nagging voice has only gotten louder with each passing year? I have no intention of ever cheating on my partner, but a part of me is freaking out that I may be in this hetero relationship, lying to myself and everyone else for the rest of my life.
— Scared in SF
OUCH. This is hard stuff, Scared, and whatever you choose to do is risky, so I understand your hesitation. But the reason to come out of the closet is this: our sexuality is connected to the whole of us. When you lock it away in some room inside your head, you inadvertently lock away other parts of yourself too. There is no way to be an intact person while denying such a huge part of yourself. Your sexuality is not just about whom you fuck. It’s about where your thoughts go in idle moments and how your heart leans. It’s braided in with your spiritual strength, your creativity and so much more. It’s simply not possible that your sexuality is the only thing you’re repressing, because it’s not an isolated part of you. Being queer (just like being straight and/or other) is an essential part of the essence of what you are. Choosing to repress it is choosing a life of half-truths and sadness. Don’t deny yourself the right to be whole, even if it’s complicated.
You haven’t done anything wrong, and your sexuality is not something you are doing to your partner, so don’t apologize for your queerness, even if you do want to apologize for what it means to your relationship. Your partner deserves to know the truth. Living a lie is not a kindness to anyone.
There’s only one way to come out to your partner, Scared, and that’s to sit them down and open your mouth to speak the truth. You can’t control what they do with the information or how it makes them feel, but you can take responsibility for what you know to be true. Be compassionate about how they feel without degenerating into guilt or martyrdom — this isn’t a negotiation; it’s a (understandably terrifying) sharing of your truth. You haven’t done anything wrong, and your sexuality is not something you are doing to your partner, so don’t apologize for your queerness, even if you do want to apologize for what it means to your relationship. Your partner deserves to know the truth. Living a lie is not a kindness to anyone, Scared. You are lying to your partner, to your family and even to your kids. Being inauthentic is not protecting them or you. You may choose to leave the marriage or stay to make it work, but your partner deserves a say in the matter. I know this is super-painful, but speaking up is not a selfish act; it’s the right thing to do on all counts.
With my background as an astrologer, I’m of the mind that what we model for our kids affects them on a deep level — even the stuff that they register only unconsciously. Having a parent who is miserable because they can’t accept what and who they are is not a great example to set. They deserve the truth, even if it’s uncomfortable and messy, because they deserve to grow up to be whole, embodied and happy adults, just like you do, my friend.
This crisis isn’t really about whether you choose to leave your marriage and date folks of the same gender or stay and work it out; it’s about self-acceptance. If you can’t embrace and love yourself, life will get more and more painful. Keeping secrets sucks, and you have the anxieties to prove it. Good luck, and be compassionate to all involved!
XO,
Jessica
The Mission’s resident advisor gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with all kinds of relationship issues. So we asked Jessica if she’d come on board to do a weekly advice column, Truth Talk, for The Bold Italic. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, you can post your question anonymously here or e-mail her at truthtalkwithjessica@gmail.com, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.
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