Are you looking to scale back your lifestyle in hopes that one day, in your distant 40s, you might not need to share a bathroom with four other roommates? We hear you, and we’ve got your back. Here are five meals that can be concocted from the snack foods in your office kitchen — Silicon Valley themed, of course, because where tech is the problem, it can also be the answer! All recipes serve one, because we are born into this world alone, and alone we shall perish. Enjoy!
No time to eat breakfast this morning because BART was so slow?
Try the BART Was So Slow Today Parfait
Prep time: 3 minutes
INGREDIENTS
- Chobani Greek yogurt
- 6 dried apricots coarsely chopped
- 1/4 cup granola
- 1/2 tbsp honey
PREPARATION
Spoon container of Chobani Greek yogurt into cereal bowl. Stir vigorously until yogurt looks more like the less healthy, more delicious European style that nobody serves anymore (about one minute). Add apricots (or other dried fruit) and granola. Mix until evenly distributed. Drizzle with honey. Serve at room temperature in front of your computer.
___________________________________________________________________
Forever known for its beefed, physically active workforce, Silicon Valley is in a race to the top to fuel its employees with healthy protein-rich snacks. For a quick fix to replenish the torn muscle fibers from all that sitting and moving of the fingers and eyeballs, try the Scaleable Protein Soylent Smoothie, packed with 28 grams of the most masculine of the macronutrients.
Prep time: 3 minutes
INGREDIENTS
- 1 banana (frozen or fresh)
- 1 bottle Soylent (recommended: Original, Cacao, Cafe Vanilla)
- 1 packet Justin’s Nut Butter
PREPARATION
Chop banana into 1/2-inch disks. Place in Vitamix blender that your dev-ops engineer has been using as a water jug for the past few weeks. Pour in bottle of Soylent flavor of your choosing. Blend until smooth. Add packet of Justin’s Peanut, Hazelnut or Almond Butter. Regular Jif Chunky Peanut Butter works too if you “miss” the “texture” of “real food.” Blend until well incorporated. Serve chilled in front of your computer.
___________________________________________________________________
We saw your note on Slack, and we’re really sorry to hear that your busy work schedule is affecting your personal life and that your partner has threatened to leave you. For lunch, try something easy and inexpensive but sophisticated, because you’re a married guy/gal after all (at least for now).
After Today I’m Taking a Month of WFH to Save My Marriage Pad Thai
Prep time: 7 minutes
INGREDIENTS
- Top Ramen package
- 1–2 cups water
- 1 tbsp brown sugar
- 1 tbsp LaCroix Sparkling Water, Lime
- 2 tbsp chopped peanuts or peanut equivalent
- 1 tbsp soy sauce
- 1 tsp red pepper flakes
- Optional: crushed seaweed snack for garnish
PREPARATION
Place ramen-noodle brick in microwave-safe bowl. Add 1–2 cups of water so that noodles are fully submerged. Cover bowl with paper towel to prevent splatter. Microwave for 3–5 minutes until noodles are al dente. Drain noodle water and set aside.
In a separate bowl, quickly whisk together soy-sauce packets left over from your CTO’s lunch, lime LaCroix and sugar. If you’re feeling really crazy, throw in the red pepper flakes sitting in the utensil drawer from that one time the office manager ordered Domino’s.
Add noodles and toss to coat in sauce mixture. Sprinkle chopped peanuts (or almonds, cashews or whatever kind of nutty thing that was in your SnackNation order this week) over noodles. Toss lightly to combine. Sprinkle crushed seaweed snack on top for garnish. Serve warm in front of your computer.
___________________________________________________________________
So you’re a Series A start-up with some Series B food budget and the muffin top to prove it. No shame. Just tighten things up with the Series A Salad.
Prep time: depends on how long it takes you to chop an apple
INGREDIENTS
- 3 packets torn-seaweed snack
- 2 tbsp coarsely chopped almonds
- 1 apple skin on, core removed, cut into 1/2-inch dice
- 1 cheese stick, cut into 1/4-inch dice
- 2 tbsp dressing in the fridge
PREPARATION
Combine seaweed, almonds, apple and cheese in large bowl. Add old salad dressing that has been in the back corner of the refrigerator since your start date, and toss until well coated. Serve at room temperature in front of your computer.
___________________________________________________________________
Hey, I read somewhere that Tahoe is really beautiful this time of year.
I Read Somewhere That Tahoe is Really Beautiful This Time of Year Bread Pudding
Prep time: time is a metaphysical construct
INGREDIENTS
- 1/2 cup milk
- 2 tbsp butter
- 1 egg
- 1/8 tsp salt
- 1 cup Mixed Berry RXBAR (about 3 bars)
- 1 box Sun Maid Natural California Raisins
PREPARATION
Preheat server closet to 350 degrees F. In water heater, heat milk and butter until milk is hot and butter is melted, or until it makes that “wsshhhhhhhhh” sound — whatever happens first.
In large bowl, mix together that loose raw egg you had in your bag or floating around your desk with salt. Stir in RXBAR and raisins. Stir in milk mixture. Pour into ungreased, unclaimed glass Tupperware container.
Bake uncovered at night when you know the engineering team is late on a sprint deadline and things will be extra toasty in the server room. Serve warm in front of your computer.
___________________________________________________________________
For when you want a sandwich, but conveniently and with questionable morals.
Uber but for Sandwich
Prep time: instantaneous
INGREDIENTS
- 1 pack KRAVE Beef Jerky
- 1 cheese stick
- 20 Kashi original 7-grain crackers
- Optional: your favorite condiment
PREPARATION
Put a little bit of all the ingredients in mouth and chew. Squirt mustard, mayo and Sriracha into mouth and keep chewing. Don’t stop chewing until everything is gone, including your integrity. Snarf at room temperature in front of your computer.
Original Artwork by Natalie Schoch
Hey! The Bold Italic recently launched a podcast, This Is Your Life in Silicon Valley. Check out the full season or listen to the episode below featuring Eileen Rinaldi, CEO and founder of Ritual Coffee. More coming soon, so stay tuned!
