1. Rather than saying, “You’re welcome,” continue to say, “No worries.”
This will confuse New Yorkers, as they’ve never considered pairing these words. Most likely scenario: you’ll expand their knowledge of phrases. Best-case scenario: Wall Street comes to a halt; the effects of late capitalism are reversed; and you’ve started the revolution!
2. Name the rats that live inside or around your building.
This will make them seem more like acquaintances with whom you want to stay on good terms, and less like rodents carrying the next plague.
3. Keep at least one crystal on your desk.
When no one asks, preach the benefits of crystal therapy.
4. When telling the story of how you got that gnarly scar on your elbow while climbing Half Dome, pretend not to notice when your colleagues scoff at “gnarly.”
Start using “gnarly” out of context or in nonsensical ways. Over time, your coworkers will feel as inadequate as you feel when they talk about “boroughs.”
5. Keep wearing shorts to the office.
If one of your coworkers complains to HR that you’re not following the “dress code,” explain that these are your “office shorts.”
6. Get a membership to the Met.
It costs money now, but when your rent triples, you can hide and sleep in a mummy coffin. Added bonus: If a friend absentmindedly ponders whether mummies come alive at night, you’ll be able to answer with authority.
7. Tap-dance on the subway.
This will give you something to do, and everyone will appreciate your enthusiasm for just being alive!
8. Bring your therapy dog to work.
When your coworker asks why you need a therapy dog, just be honest.
9. Explain to your boss that you gauge your wellness level on a scale from 1 to 10 every day.
If it’s lower than a 10, it’s detrimental for you to go to work. Show her the article you read. When she points out that the article isn’t actually an article but rather a newsletter written by a community for the same community (also known as a cult), feel sorry for her. Clearly, she’s never been in a cult.
10. Lastly, keep West Coast hours.
Hey! The Bold Italic recently launched a podcast, This Is Your Life in Silicon Valley. Check out the full season or listen to the episode below featuring Aarti Shahani, technology reporter at NPR. More coming soon, so stay tuned!
